2012: In Retrospect

Things that I have done this year:

Recorded a Christmas CD with the Orange County Mormon Choral Organization. The CD was released and on Billboard's Top Ten for 3 weeks!

Went to Idaho to say goodbye to my Grandpa Bell. I'm so glad that Earl and I went to the Bell Family Reunion the year previous and I was able to spend a few tender moment with him by the campfire, holding hands.

Saw my baby brother leave to serve a 2 year mission for our church. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. I love hearing his testimony in his emails. I can't wait for him to baptize someone and know of the joy to help bring someone to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

Accepted a job offer in Arizona. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I left behind the best job I've ever had, working at BBTRC. I am forever grateful for the volunteers, the families, the kids, and especially the horses. I'm happy that I was able to help some kids, for a short time, grow stronger and more sure of themselves.

Was let go from my job 5 months after moving. Dealing with the thought of being unemployed has been hard.

Got rehired with Sport Chalet. I start tomorrow.

Made a dear friend who has helped me get through the past month, and listened when I needed to talk. Her family also offered me temporary work the last few days and I hope I have not let them down.

I have grown closer to Earl this year. We've been through a lot and I'm sure there's more to come.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Humbled

I am writing this today with a very humbled heart. My emotions are all over the place and I may start spewing tears at any moment. Not that you would know, of course.

I am currently unemployed. I have not been in this situation since the summer of 2002. While this is frightening to experience, it is also a relief. I have not felt like myself for awhile now and I attribute that to the stress of the job I was in.

So today I sent my information to my sister-in-law to help me revamp my resume. I have also applied for a few spots online and inquired about a local barn.

While I can take this time to collect my thoughts and emotions, I can also finally get caught up on the laundry and cleaning the apartment.

It's difficult to deal with my emotions as I feel like a failure for not completing the training. I have to remember that the job just was not for me. There is something else out there for me to do. While this was the job that brought us to Arizona, there is another job I am meant to do. Now I just have to find it.

Christmas Music and Family

So many emotions tonight. Gosh I'm an emotional sap lately. I'm listening to the CD that OCMCO/EVMCO recorded last Christmas. It's a Christmas CD and I'm totally in love with it!

And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.

I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.

And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.

Strength

I have had struggles lately. Pretty much the last week or so. I have lacked the strength and confidence to do my job. I kept praying for peace, calmness, and confidence. I read and reread my Patriarchal blessing. I've been reading the Book of Mormon. Trying to find that inner peace and self confidence.

A friend posted this video on Facebook today. I feel just like this young man. I feel blinded. How many times have I cried to the Lord this last week that I can't? Or it hurts? But I know that I can do this job. I am a strong person. I just forgot for a time.

I have realized that while I missed singing in EVMCO this semester, I could not have done it. The stress of my job and going through training have broken me. I couldn't add on weekly rehearsals. Or volunteering at a barn. It has taken all that I am to make it this far.

I have taken to writing letters to my friends and family. I was so happy to receive a letter in return from my best friend. I was happy that my letter to her made her happy.

I know that there are so many things that I want in this life. So many things that I want right now. And my Heavenly Father is reminding me that my timeline for life isn't what He has in store for me.

I am a strong woman. I have a wonderful husband and family who support me. I have the love of an Eternal Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses. He is watching over me, making me stronger.

over it tonight

Alright. Heres the scoop. i am on my phone to type this and it doesnt like punctuation. mainly apostrophes. nor is it consistent with capitalization. and theres no auto correct for spelling.

im at work at the moment and i have had one of the worst shifts possible. its been the kind of night where ihave no confidence amd second guess myself left amd right. im at the point in training where i ahould be doing everything on my own. but im not. ive shown that i am capable of soing this job. tonight just isnt that night.

ugh. sorry for the woe is me post. i just reallu needed to get this off my chest and ouy of my head.

i have a wonderful husbamd who is so supportive of me. he lnows im having a rough time right now and he is my rock. im grateful that he is a worthy priesthood holder. he is there fore and telling me what i need to hear.

i apologize for the horrible spelling and other errors in this post. i kind of dont care, but whats one wonky post amid so manyk?

and my pity party is complete. carry on!

A Little Heavy?

I know so many of you are sick of the political ads, phone calls, commercials, etc. I am too.

But today I am torn with emotions: fear, anxiety, anticipation, elation.

I fear for the future if our country's leadership doesn't improve.

I fear for the future of my family's well-being.

I understand that this fear is crippling and I try to not let it get to me.

I anxiously anticipate the outcome of today's election. No other election that I've been alive for (or aware of) has been so important.

I will probably cry tonight, one way or the other. Tears of happiness and hope if a certain person is elected.

Tears of frustration and fear if another.

This is an emotional time for our country. I'm not saying this to sway one's vote a certain direction.

These are just a brief glimpse into my thoughts and feelings of late.

I want so badly to be able to make a living. To live, not just survive. I want my money to mean something when I go grocery shopping. I want to live in a place where it is safe and prosperous. I would like to bring children into this world without fear for their future.

To live in a place where God and family come first. Where I'm not afraid for my own retirement. For my parents' retirement.

I want to live.

Do you?

Honesty

This post is probably not what you think.

I have not been honest with myself. And the truth hit me today like a ton of bricks.

I can rationalize with the best of them, believe me! A lot of what I'm thinking and feeling tonight is my own perception. I'm not looking for for people to disagree or coddle and I'm certainly not looking for compliments.

I am not overweight. I am not fat. I am 6 feet tall. I don't want to look like I'm starving. I don't want to starve myself.

But gosh darn it, I am not happy about my body right now.

I have started working out. Not a huge overhaul, just a workout routine or two when I come home from work. I have determined that the best way to not lose momentum and motivation is to work out immediately when I get home from work. Otherwise I sit on the sofa and don't move again for the rest of the night.

I stepped on the scale at work today. I was very disheartened to see the numbers. I will not weigh 145lbs ever again. If I do, somebody come feed me a cheeseburger! And while I know that I am not in danger of becoming obese, I do want to bring that number down a bit. (Heaven help me if I ever get pregnant for it won't take much for me to top 200 on that evil scale!)

I am more concerned with how my clothes fit. I'll admit, my jeans are snug. I couldn't wear a skirt to church on Sunday because I couldn't zip it up. My nicer shirts are snug. I really don't want to go up a size, mainly because I hate shopping and I don't have the money to spend on new clothes anyway!

I want to feel good. Confident. Happy.

So I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical tonight.

And quickly demolished all the good by eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries for dinner.

Baby steps, right?

Slacking Off

Okay, I know that I've been slacking the last month. Or more. It's not that I've been avoiding my blog, it's just that I haven't felt a burning desire to write anything.

I suppose I should start with the most recent event, as it is the most exciting.

Earl has a job!! After many months and countless prayers, Earl secured a job this week. He starts out as part-time at a luggage shop in the Chandler mall. The company is expanding and will be opening another location in Scottsdale in about a month. After the new store opens, Earl will be full-time. He has been able to work out to have Thursday nights off for school (more on that in a bit) and Sundays for church. This has been the job that we have been praying for for so long. We have truly been blessed this week!

Earl has also enrolled in an online program through BYU Idaho. This is also a great opportunity. He will be able to eventually get his BS through this program. Very exciting!!

So as I write this, Earl is at work and I kind of don't know what to do with myself. I've watched about as much TV as I can handle, although NetFlix has a lot of new additions that I want to see. The dishes are done, and I don't really feel like doing laundry. We're okay on clothes anyway.

For now I have a kitty napping on my lap so I guess I'm stuck for a while.

Oh, and we will most likely be coming to CA in October for a weekend. I've been able to secure the time off from work, now Earl has to do the same. It will be nice to come back for a visit and bring back some items that we forgot to pack.

Hmm...dinner for one...better figure it out!

Pictures!

Okay, remember that we are still organizing and trying to figure where some things will go. But for now, these will have to do!

Living Room

 Kitchen (Earl cleaning up after dinner)

 Bedroom

 Bedroom again

 Walk-in closet!!

 Bathroom (I have counter space, drawers, AND cupboards!)

So that's the quick tour. Time to throw my swimsuit on and chill in the hot tub before that thunderhead gets any closer!

Hello from the Desert!

Well! It's been a busy week! We packed up, loaded the truck, and drove out! We even had a helper in the packing process:

We left bright and early on Friday, July 13. It was a pretty uneventful drive from Newport Beach, CA to Gilbert, AZ. There was a good rainstorm that we drove through. Didn't wash the car nearly as well as I had hoped. Sage was a real trooper on the drive. She took to hiding most of the way:

We signed our lease, got our keys, and moved in. Sage and the litter box went straight away to the bathroom so that there wouldn't be any "accidents" or escape attempts. After a little while, I went to check on her and she was hiding inside the litter box, scared out of her mind. I felt so bad for her. Eventually she came out, had some water, and started reaching under the bathroom door, trying to get out. She has since adapted very well!

We have unpacked almost everything. There are still some random boxes here and there. They will probably stay that way for awhile. My goal for today was/is to organize our patio. Right now all of our empty boxes are piled up and it is impossible to go outside. Not that I necessarily want to go outside right now. It's probably close to 100 by now. But I would like to get our little outside storage organized and move boxes that will not be used anytime soon out there.

I have put pictures on the walls. I have blankets and throw pillows on the sofa. We have filled our closet with clothes, shoes, and other things. I had to purchase door hanging shoe racks for my shoes. They work quite well. The TV and computer are set up. The internet is connected.

We are moving in.

I still need to do more grocery shopping. Due to space and time constraints, we weren't able to bring every food item with us. So that area is a little bare at the moment. But it will come. My kitchen is fairly good-sized. Lots of counter space. Cupboard and drawer space is less than we had previously, but I am adapting. I have cooked in my new kitchen and it is quite nice. I'm back to an electric stove, which will take some getting used to. And the first meal I cooked was of course, macaroni and cheese.

I have determined that I need another bookcase. Now that I know what space I have, I can begin to shop for one. Earl would say I have too many books. I say he needs to keep his mouth shut and read one or two of them!

Once things are in order and as they should be, I will take pictures to share what our new home looks like.

Time to go change the laundry!

Last Day in California

It's 0814 on Thursday, July 12, 2012. This is our last full day in California.

And I'm not 100% packed.

I have this morning to pack up the pantry and bathroom. There are odds and ends of "stuff" laying around. At this point, I want to just throw it all away. I'm sick of packing. We haven't really cleaned yet. Good thing cleaning doesn't take too long.

My walls are barren. The computer and desk are packed away. My feet are currently propped up on a plastic bin because my coffee table is downstairs. All of our cleaning supplies are lined up on the kitchen counter, just waiting to be used.

And what am I doing? Sitting on my butt blogging! That's a good use of my time! But I am feeling very reflective this morning. And I wanted to be able to capture this moment. The sun is up but hiding behind the marine layer of clouds. The island is waking up and cars are driving by. Trucks are making their morning deliveries. Every now and then I hear a bird chirp. We don't have pretty songbirds here. Mainly crows, pigeons, and sea gulls.

It's still a bit chilly. Probably the 60's. I would be more comfortable with a sweater on, but this should serve as motivation for me to get up and working.

It's not working...

I may need a procrastination intervention.

Or just a swift kick in the bum.

Scared to Death and Saddling up Anyway

My life is about to change in a big way. Tomorrow afternoon we pick up our moving truck and with the help from friends at church, we will load up everything we own tomorrow night. Early Friday morning Earl will drive the truck as I drive our car to the desert.

We are moving.

It seems so final. Yet I know that we will be back to visit. It's not like we're gone forever. Or going to another continent.

Yesterday a wonderful friend gave me a going-away present. It is a handmade silver bracelet that says, "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." It captured my emotions and I am so grateful to this woman.

I am scared to move. We are removing ourselves from our comfort zone. We are leaving the nest of our families. We are leaving behind our friends. But we are going anyway.

There is hope through all the sadness that moving brings. I have hope that we will save money in our new apartment. I have hope that Earl will find gainful employment. I have hope that he will be able to finish school. I have hope that one day we will be blessed with children. I have hope that we will begin to live, not just survive.

Our clothes are packed. Our shoes are packed. Half of the furniture is already in the garage waiting to be loaded. Today we are tackling the kitchen and food. Tomorrow, everything must be packed for it will be loaded regardless.

We start a new chapter in life this week. I'm scared to death, but I'm doing it anyway.

Escapees from the Mental Hospital

Or perhaps a better title is that we should be put into a mental institution.


Anyway, it's official!

We are moving to Arizona next month! My official start date is July 16, 1012 with the Gilbert Police Department as a 911 Operator.

I'm excited and nervous and excited and scared and did I mention that I'm excited? It's scary to think about us starting over in a new location. But I know it's where we are supposed to go and what we are supposed to do. I never though I would live in the desert. I hear it gets pretty hot...

We now have to finalize with the apartment complex out there. Last week we put a hold on a unit. Now I have to fax over some pay stubs to show that we qualify for low-income rent. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that! The apartment complex that we have chosen is right down the street from the police station. Like I could walk there. It's a corner one bedroom unit with a washer and dryer, walk-in closet, ceiling fans, and newer appliances in the kitchen. It has 810 ft2 so It's a bit bigger than our current home. And so long as we qualify for the low-income rent (which we should and I've never been so happy to be poor in all my life) our monthly rent would be $562. $562! Holy cow, that's cutting our current rent in half! More than half! Ack! That's awesome!!!

So yes. That's the most recent bit of news.

Also, my baby brother is now a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! My parents are driving, as we speak, to Provo, UT where he will report to the Missionary Training Center tomorrow. He will be serving in Lansing, Michigan for the next two years. I am so proud of Tyler. I know he has the power and ability to become great. He can have such an impact for good upon the lives of the people of Michigan if he puts his mind and heart into his service.

I know that he will not be able to read this post (not that he ever did to begin with) but I love him. I'm so pleased that he has followed through with the decision to serve a mission. He will be a great example to those around him.

Now it's time to start packing...

Busy Week

Well, it's Monday.

Not my favorite day.

The next 7 days will be extremely busy for me. I'm working today. When I get home tonight, I have to do some laundry and pack.

Tomorrow Earl and I are heading back to Arizona for my medical and psych evaluations.

Wednesday morning I have my written psych exam.

Thursday morning I have my medical exam. Thursday afternoon I am meeting with a psychologist.

And then we drive home Thursday evening.

Friday and Saturday I have to work.

Sunday is Father's Day.

Sunday is also when Tyler gives his farewell talk in church.

My parents are driving him up to the MTC (Missionary Training Center) in Provo, UT on Tuesday. He reports on Wednesday.

Typing that brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy for him to go. He will be a great missionary. I love him with all my heart and I will miss him. I wish him luck, health, happiness, and so much more as he enters the mission field.

I'm tired just thinking ahead to this week. I'm thinking that when all this craziness is over I will sleep for an entire day.

At least I dream of sleeping for a whole day, and a girl can dream, right?

Oh Happy Day

WELL, IM TYPING THIS ON MY PHONE AND FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I CAN ONLY TYPE IN ALL CAPS. NO, I AM NOT YELLING. YES, I AM EXCITED. PLEASE FORGIVE MY TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED BRAIN FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE IT!

WELL I GOT A VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL ON MONDAY. I HAVE ACCEPTED A CONDITIONAL JOB OFFER AS A 911 OPERATOR FOR THE CITY OF GILBERT, AZ. EARL AND I GO BACK JUNE 12 FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL AND MEDICAL EVALS. HOPEFULLY I PASS EVERYTHING-WHICH I SHOULD-AND I WILL HAVE A START DATE. PERHAPS EARL AND I WILL MAKE A DECISION ON WHERE TO LIVE AS WELL.

SO THAT'S MY NEWS OF THE WEEK!

ps-now my phone spontaneously isn't in all caps. Go figure!

Paradise Shmaradise

Ugh. I'm sorry. I have to vent.

This won't be pretty. You don't even have to read. I just have to get this off my chest.

Let me preface this by saying that I like my job. I like what I do. But the people person who is my direct supervisor makes me hate/dread coming to work.

I know I should change my attitude towards this person. I know I shouldn't let them get to me.

But I don't/do.

This person asked me to recall a late call from a week ago and write an incident report about it. I don't remember it very well. What I do remember is assigning the unit, telling the crew to take the toll road vs side streets as the call was a long distance.  After that I don't remember a darn thing. How am I supposed to write an incident report about something I don't remember?

And why the heck did this person wait until 545pm to bring up the topic when I'd been sitting here since 7am? That's probably the most frustrating. And to bring it up when my partner was out of the room so there were no "witnesses" to the conversation. If I didn't know better, I'd say that my sup was either really stupid or really smart to plan it out this way.

Whatever. This is my motivation to get a new job. I know I said in my interview that I'm looking for a career and to set down roots and that the cost of living is so much less in Arizona and that Earl and I have potential to grow out there. But really, at the heart of it all, I can't stand my boss. I can't stand the way they DON'T manage the dispatchers. The fact that they would rather play video games on their laptop before noon instead of working, or the fact that no respect is given to us dispatchers, or they constantly say how much they hate dispatchers and crew members and his wife and kid, and women, and everyone on the face of the earth. Why on earth would anyone want to work for a person like that?

I don't. I'm working on my out. And I'm in limbo. That's why I'm so anxious to hear back. If they say no, then I need to start working on other options. Like becoming an instructor at the barn. And pushing to get Earl hired there too.

That's all. That's my rant. If you made it this far, bless you. I'm sorry to go off like that. I just couldn't swallow anymore crap today.

I guess I need to remember the saying, "Keep Calm and Carry On." Cuz I'm definitely not calm when I'm at work.

Just Another Day in Paradise

As I typed that title the song by Phil Vassar came to mind. Now I'm singing it in my head. If I sang it out loud my partner would probably wonder what was wrong with me.

The sun is shining. The air is warm. And I am stuck inside.

But it's okay. I spent the last two days outside with the horses. I even got some sun (my shoulders and arms are currently pink, not lobster red like Earl thinks) and really enjoyed the weather. And I get to go back again tomorrow!

I haven't heard back from Arizona. I know that they won't leave me hanging. I just have to be patient a little bit longer. It's killing me to not know one way or the other. But this is a growth opportunity for me regardless of the outcome. If the answer is to come back out for the next step, I'm super stoked. If it isn't, I won't lie, I'll be super bummed.

Earl and I have our apartment search narrowed to approximately 4 places. We are also toying with the idea of perhaps getting a condo or town home. Not sure if that one will happen, but you get a whole lot more bang for your buck.

Keep your fingers crossed that I hear back sometime soon!

Busy, Busy, Dizzy...

Wow, I think I'm losing my mind!

That of course, implies that I had a mind to lose in the first place.

Any whozit, I'm at work today (shocker, I know) and I feel a little overwhelmed with life at the moment. In response to my previous post, I know now that my background check is moving along. My investigator call my work/employment references this week, so while I still feel as though I am in limbo, I feel more confident with this "status report."

I have taken on a new task at the barn this week. I started a blog. You can visit it at www.backbaytrc.blogspot.com if you so desire. I'd be stoked if you would follow it and share it with your friends. I'm just trying to create more awareness of the center. And a blog is so much easier to update and add pictures and it's very user friendly!!

I did it because I want people to know who we are and what we do. There's even a link on the blog that will send you to the "official" website if someone felt inclined to donate via PayPal.

If you have any suggestions on how to improve the look of the blog, PLEASE let me know!! I intend to do posts on the volunteers, the instructors, and do like a student of the month type deal. Even do a post on horse terminology. I want this to be a place where the students and their families can go to see themselves, the other kids, and really make it feel like a family. Also, I want them to learn. Like have one post dedicated to different types of tack, another to major horse anatomy, riding terms, etc.

I just hope that I have the stamina to maintain it!

But I am open to suggestions!

3 Weeks and Counting

Today marks 3 weeks since I was in Arizona last.

I assume that since I have not heard back from my background investigator that things are going well. It's not like I have any skeletons in my closet. I don't really even have a background.

I really hope that I hear back from them this week. I may or may not be checking my e-mail every 5-10 minutes. I'm trying to be patient.

I didn't get Newport. I'm #16 on the eligibility list. Not too shabby. But Earl and I have come to accept that we will be moving this year, it's just a matter of when. And Earl is slowly coming around to accepting the heat aspect of Arizona.

Still no e-mail.

They said that I could hear back as early as 3 weeks. Or as long as 6-8. Heaven help me if I have to wait that long. I guess since I've been in the hiring process since last October, another month or two won't kill me. But I hope I'm not forced to wait that long.

On a side note, this Saturday is the Balboa Island Garage Sale. We're going to try to get rid of a lot of stuff. There will be clothes, shoes, books, and furniture. Earl and I will be sorting through things this afternoon after he gets home from class. We're really trying to sell my bedroom furniture so that we don't have to cart it to Arizona later on. It's really pretty, but really heavy!

Earl wants me to sell my snowboard. Heck no! I sold my SCUBA gear, I'm not getting rid of my snowboard. Or boots. Maybe I'll sell gloves, beanies, and pants...won't really need them in AZ. We'll see.

So that's my Monday morning for you. How's your's shaping out to be?

A Topic I'd Rather Not Discuss

I shudder at writing this. It's kinda gross. But I need your help. And it just might prove how shallow I am.

All you lovely ladies out there, how do you keep from getting acne?

I'm 28 years old and I still have the acne of a teenager. It's embarrassing to go to job interviews with pimples on my cheeks, my chin, my forehead. I've tried different cleansers, washes, scrubs, you name it. I've tried Neutrogena, Clean & Clean, St. Yves, Pro-Active. I use makeup remover at night so I don't sleep with makeup on my face. Once upon a time I even tried Clinique to no avail.

I know that part of the issue is genetics. I know that my siblings have all had issues with this. And it's not like I have massive breakouts. Just enough to make me self-conscious.

So what tricks and tips would you recommend? Any particular product that you swear by?

What Would You Do for a Nap?

There's not a whole lot I would do for a Klondike Bar, but right now? I'd do just about anything for a nap.

It's been kind of an exciting day at work. Exciting for southern Orange County actually. We had a small earthquake this morning. A 3.9 in San Juan Capistrano. Not too far away from where I work. I was in the bathroom washing my hands when I heard it, more than felt it. I was pretty sure that we were about to get busy so I went back to my desk and boy was I right!

We were buys for at least 2 1/2 straight hours. It was gnarly. We were down to 2 point cover at one time. That means we had only 2 available units for the 11 cities we provide 911 coverage for.

I'm not sure why people freak out so much when there's an earthquake. Maybe if it was significant, but a 3.9? C'mon people!

Any who...since it was so busy, we had to postpone our lunch. Didn't get to eat til about 2-230. We had Wahoo's. And I devoured it all. And I was still hungry.

About an hour after that I was falling asleep at my desk. I wanted nothing more than to lay down and take a nap. Instead I had a crew go to McDonald's and get me an Oreo McFlurry. I just finished it. It was so good. Definitely hit the spot! But now that the ice cream is gone and I have just under an hour left of work, I'm exhausted again. We're busy again too.

Earl and I had discussed going to the grocery store after he picks me up tonight. I don't think I have the energy to do that now. All I want is to go home and snuggle up to my goober under the covers and fall asleep.  I am yawning so much right now. Am I making you sleepy? I was kind of hoping that by writing this, I would wake up a little.

It's not working.

So maybe I'll go play some Angry Birds for the next 45 minutes. I'm sure I'll be in bed by 830-9 tonight.

And I am so looking forward to it.

Let it Begin

Well, I just barely had my background interview and polygraph last Monday. And I got a call today from one of my references that he had gotten a phone call from my background investigator. 


It's started.


I'm a little nervous/happy/excited/scared all rolled into one that this is actually happening. But I am at peace with it. I'm not freaked out, having panic attacks over the thought of moving. I still may, but for now I'm good. 


Oh, I went in to work today only to turn around and come home again. I got confused on the days and I wasn't really working today. So Earl and I came home (he was going to drop me off so he could have the car for school) and he promptly went back to bed. Of course I was wide awake and the chances of me going back to sleep were slim to none. So I plunked myself down on the futon, wrapped in my robe, with the heater going, and started reading a book. It's a book that I'd read before. Not too exciting, but a good yarn. And I haven't done much since then. And now that it's 1834, I am on page 391 of 486. I just might finish it before bed! It might even be a new record for me. 


Did I mention that I even took time out to take an elderly lady from our ward to a doctor's appointment today and I fixed a steak dinner for me and Earl? Yeah, I'm that good.


Just don't look at the clean laundry piled on the bed and in baskets, waiting to be folded.

Movies I Should Not Watch While at Work

At my job, outside of business hours, we are allowed to have the TV on. We can play video games too. And on the weekends, I typically have control of the remote for the TV since my partner(s) usually play Battlefield.

Sometimes I watch action movies. Sometimes comedies. And sometimes I watch chick flicks.

Not always the smartest move. Especially if it's a movie I've never seen before.

Like today. I watched the movie "Juno" on TBS. Not really the saddest movie ever. But the ending totally made me tear up.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk on the phone to complete strangers when you're crying? Or on the radio to guys who know you?

Not that easy.

So I'll add Juno to the list that currently includes Armageddon, Deep Impact, and Marley and Me just to name a few.

Now that I've put it out there, I'm going to go finish "The Proposal."

Oh Buddy!

Watch out world! I learned how to change the template of my blog!! It looks all cute and snazzy now! Not really my favorite design, but more my style than anything else out there. Plus I don't really know what my style is. A little problematic if you think about it...

Basically I'm just trying to personalize it. Make it me. But again, what is "me"?

Side note: we've had a significant storm roll through town today. We had hail!! It was itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, but it was hail!! I love severe weather. I know, I'm weird. Especially because I see the tornado warnings go out for the midwest, and I just want to be out there!

Is there a blog template out there of tornadoes?

I made a Mormon.org profile today. I'm not really sure what prompted me to do it. But I did it. It's under review right now, basically to make sure that I didn't put incorrect doctrine out there. And when they asked for a profile pic, I chose a picture of me from years ago when I was at an Angels game with my friends. It's a cool picture. Looking at most of my pictures, it's usually me and Earl. And they requested that you use a singular picture. So I had to cheat and go back a few years!

I'm jumping around a lot on this post. I just checked the radar for our area and it looks like the rain is just about over. Will probably have clear skies when I drive home in three hours. Boo.

So what do you think about the new look? Good? Bad? Ugly? I'm not really sure how to change it more...tips and advice are appreciated!!

And that's all she wrote folks!

Home Again, Home Again!

Earl and I got home yesterday from Arizona. It was good to be home! I have no travel plans for the foreseeable future!

And thank goodness!

Traveling can be fun. Although I'm not big on the whole packing/unpacking thing.

While we were in Arizona this time around, we only looked at 2 apartments. I am so torn with all of the units we have looked at. The first one we saw this time had newer appliances, counter tops, and it had a big garden tub in the bathroom. This one was also gated (not that it was in a horrible area, just nice that it has controlled access). The second unit we looked at had a nice layout, good amenities like it's on a lake! and they have kayaks and paddle boats available to take out, and the size wasn't too bad. The appliances were older, looked like maybe they were from the early 80's. This isn't necessarily a bad thing-as long as they work, who cares? But I really feel that I was spoiled by seeing the unit at Sonoma Landing. That one really had everything I wanted in a unit.

It rained last night, pretty good too. And the wind was blowing. And Sage kept moving in and out of the blankets by me. So I didn't sleep that well. But it's comforting that my little cat likes to sleep by me. Sometimes a little annoying, but overall, I love that she likes to sleep with me.

So now I'm back to the grind. I'm at work today and we had the CEO of AMR (our new owners) come through for a tour. It's kind of funny seeing everyone freak out when a big wig comes through. In theory, we shouldn't be doing anything differently, but we all know that isn't how it works!

This has been a very disjointed post. But that's how my brain is working today!

A Week of Whirlwinds

Okay, so I've been pretty busy this last week. I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, and not too sure what state I'm in. Literally.

Last week I was blessed to go to Idaho for my grandfather's funeral. There were over 100 family members in attendance. I'm not even sure what the final tally was, but I'll say that the family filled over 9 center and side rows in the chapel.

I was so afraid that when we went to the viewing on Tuesday night that everyone would be crying and that it would be a somber evening. Thankfully it was more like a family reunion with all the kids running around and brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandkids, etc telling stories. I believe my dad even met up with some guys he had gone to high school with.

I had a hard time talking to Grandma Bell. Any time that I started to go up to her and hug her, I started crying. Not that there's anything wrong with crying. That whole evening and into Wednesday during the funeral, I never saw Grandma cry. I'm guessing she cried the week before, but Grandpa's passing was a relief, a weight lifted from her shoulders. She was happy. Not worried about her dear husband. They'd been together for more than 60 years. But I love my grandma. I hope that somehow I was able to convey that to her.

I stood next to Mom and Dad at the graveside service. Dad gave the dedicatory prayer. Grandpa received full military honors as he had been a B-17 Tailgunner in WWII. As the shots rang out from the gun salute, to the folding of the flag, I held on to my dad's arm. It was such a relief knowing that I could cry and let out my emotions. I didn't have to be strong. I didn't have to hold in those feelings.

So Ryan, Amanda, and I flew in to Salt Lake City on Tuesday morning, picked up Tyler from the U, and drove to Burley. Wednesday morning was the funeral. Amanda, Tyler, and I drove back to SLC Wednesday night to drop Tyler off at his dorm and spent the night at Dad's cousin's house in West Jordan. Flew home Thursday morning. Had choir practice Thursday night. Worked at the barn Friday morning. Worked Saturday. Sunday was Easter, sang in the Ward Choir during church. Then immediately following Sacrament Meeting, Earl and I hopped in the car and drove to Arizona!

Now here it is, Monday night. So far today I have had a background interview with my background investigator, looked at an apartment, took a polygraph test, looked at another apartment, went to dinner with Adam and Cathie at this really good BBQ joint called Joe's, spent some time with A & C's best friends, and then drove over to C's parents' house for a visit as well.

I'm tired!!

Oh, and we are driving home tomorrow morning.

Did I leave anything out?

Wow. So now you know what I've been up to for the last week. I have way too much going on in my life right now. But if I didn't have all this to do, I would be sitting at home, doing nothing. So instead I am filling my life with (hopefully) worthwhile pursuits.

I'm not totally sold on either of the 2 apartments we looked at today. I think I was spoiled last visit when we looked at my "dream apartment" that I am still drooling over.

And now it's time for me to take nighttime meds to help me sleep. I'm totally sad that I don't have another dose of nighttime Tylenol cold and sinus to take. It's really the best when you're congested, have the start to a wicked headache, and need to sleep. I take it, fall asleep easily (not in a drugged stupor) and wake easily (also not in a drugged stupor). I'm not groggy or drowsy at all, like when I take a sleeping pill. I love it. And I'm all out. And I can't find it anywhere thanks to the shortage.

Since I just rambled on just now about medicine, I think that's my cue to go to bed.

I'm Thankful

I'm not entirely sure how to start this post. A great man left this earthly existence on Thursday. My grandfather, Hyrum Bell, passed away.

My family knew that Grandpa was nearing the end of his life. He had been on hospice care for the previous week. I was pretty much glued to my phone and computer, awaiting any updates/e-mails about his condition.

I am so happy that my parents were able to drive to Idaho for Grandpa's last moments. They arrived in Burley about noon and Grandpa passed sometime between 3 and 4. I told my dad that Grandpa waited for him to show up.

It's difficult for me to type this. But I feel that it needs to be written. I had the desire to go to Idaho for Grandpa's services, but reality was punching me down. I couldn't afford to miss 2 days of work to drive up and back.

And then an angel came to me. A wonderful woman who I met just over a year ago, offered to pay my airfare to go be with my family. My sister called me last night and said that she was booking flights and needed to know if I was able to go. I didn't think that I would, but then I remembered that B had made the offer. I called her up and with tears running down my face and my voice catching in my throat, I asked if the offer was still available.

This woman opened her heart and gave me the funding to be with my family during this time. I leave Tuesday morning with my older siblings and fly to Salt Lake City. There, we pick up my younger brother and drive the rest of the way to Idaho. Grandpa's services will be Wednesday morning. Then that evening, we will head back towards Salt Lake, possibly spending the night with my best friend, Sam, in Nibley, UT. We'll drop Tyler off at school Thursday morning, and then Amanda and I will fly home.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family. I am forever thankful that I have friends in my life who are so giving. I am grateful to have a husband who is supportive of me. I know that my sweet Grandpa Bell is happy and with friends and family now. I can only imagine the reunion he had with 2 of his sons, other family members, his Father in Heaven, and his Savior, Jesus Christ. To be welcomed with open arms into his eternal rest. It is extremely comforting knowing that Grandpa is safe and loved.

If you so desire, you can go here to read Grandpa's obituary. I probably shouldn't have read it while sitting here at work, but I couldn't not read it. I am so pleased that he will receive military services as well. Many tears have already been shed and many more will fall in the days to come. I love my family so much. I know that we will all be together again someday. And that is the best comfort of all.

This Roller Coaster Ride Isn't All That Fun

I have a heavy heart today. And feel the need to express my feelings here.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions this week. Started out with the relief of turning in my background packet. Then I got an e-mail for an interview with the city of Irvine for a dispatch position I applied/tested for. Then I heard back from Newport Beach that I passed their test but didn't score high enough to progress in their process.

Then I had a bit of a disagreement with my better half that put me on edge and shed quite a few tears. And of course while I was not feeling that great, I watched a pretty sad movie, "What Dreams May Come." And I shed some more tears. The issue was resolved and things were good. I was still unsure of my feelings, but I was getting "there."

Then while at the barn, my left big toe got stomped on by the resident pony. I'm still pretty sore and not a fan of wearing shoes right now.

Then I got an e-mail from my dad about my grandpa. He hasn't been doing all that well the last few years. Just a gradual decline in health. We were able to see him and my grandma last year at the family reunion. He wasn't to quick to speak, but he remembered me. Remembered my name, my face, and us playing ping pong back in Texas.

Grandpa Bell is now on hospice care. He sleeps most of the day and doesn't eat much. He's always had a serious sweet tooth. My mom sent a separate container of chocolate chip cookies just for him last year. His eyes would go cloudy for a bit, but then to see his grandchildren and great-grandchildren around him, his face lit up. A particularly tender moment was last year on the last day of the reunion when all the boys got together and gave Grandpa a blessing. It wasn't announced to the world that this was occurring. But let me tell you, word spread quickly and everyone got quiet fast and it was wonderful seeing the boys of the family minister to their father.

My family didn't go to Idaho often to visit. My childhood memories are a little scattered. But I do remember being pushed in the giant swings out at the farm. And walking out to the rhubarb and trying some only to realize it wasn't quite ripe yet.

But one thing has remained constant: he is my father's father. My grandfather. He served in WWII as a tail gunner. He fathered 14 children. He has worked hard every day of his life. I'm not sure if it was a need for the food or a love for the earth, but there was always a garden in their yard.

I know that Grandpa will be okay. I'm sure that his body is tired. He has lived a good, long life. He has a gigantic family to carry on his legacy.

I love my grandpa. He's the only one I've ever met which makes him a little more special to me.

Nobody really knows how much longer Grandpa Bell will be with us. I pray that he will be at peace and that Grandma and the rest of the family will be comforted.

Who knows where I will be on the roller coaster tomorrow.

Dreaming the Day Away

I've been in a funk the last week or so. I'm trying to get over it. And one of the things that I'm doing is dreaming of a possible future. In this future, Earl and I move to Arizona. And we move into the apartment complex that I'm in love with. Of course I would prefer my own house, but until that becomes a reality, I'll dream of this apartment:

The apartment that has a bay window in the dining room.
And an open kitchen.
And a roman soaking tub.
And separate entrances for the bedroom and bathroom.
Full size washer and dryer.
Built-in desk just off the living room.
Walk-in closet.
External storage.
Private deck/balcony.
Pools and fitness room open 24 hours.
Gated community.
Accepts pets!

The downside? It's more expensive than what we wanted to pay. It's about $699 right now. That is considerably less than what we pay now. I'd feel better if it was even less. But in my dream world, this would be my home. Plus, it's actually achievable. If we actually do move, Earl would get a job (part- or full-time) and we would be able to afford this apartment.

*Sigh*

I'm trying to not be too picky in my search. Basically I don't want to move to an apartment that is smaller that what we are currently in. I'm not requiring a brand-spanking-new unit with all the amenities. Really what my criteria are are as follows:

• As big or bigger than our current living space
• Must have a washer/dryer in the unit
• Must accept pets

That's not too much, is it? Oh, I forgot, it MUST have AC!

**facepalm**

How can a person legitimately plan on living in Arizona and forget about the AC? Man, my lack of sleep lately is really getting to me!

What are some of the things you guys require of a potential living space? Have I left out anything major?

Hiccups and Groceries

So I have noticed a slight hiccup in my blog and I am curious is anyone else is having the same issue. I have on the left side of my page, a list of blogs that I follow. On occasion, the list will indicate a new blog post from one of my blog-friends. So I click on the link, but there is not a new post. Other times I will see via Facebook that my friends have a new post, but my blog list isn't updated.

Is anyone else having issues like this with their blog? I'm not sure if this is something that I can address. Perhaps I will just have to deal with it.

~~~~~

So Earl and I haven't been grocery shopping in forever. I believe we will be going tonight after he picks me up from work. I'm a little scared. We try to stick to things that are on sale. But there are things we have gone without and need to get now. I'm a little worried about the final total of our grocery bill. That and I just don't like grocery shopping. Ugh. Wish me luck!

Diplomas, Birth Certificates, and Marriage Licenses, Oh My!

I'm in backgrounds with Gilbert, AZ police dispatch.

Part of what is required is that I prove who I am. And by doing so I must produce a copy of my birth certificate as well as my marriage license.

I found my marriage license easily. Since it was acquired most recently.

But my diploma is MIA. And I couldn't find my birth certificate.

I figured I could just contact Texas for my birth certificate and get a copy. So I checked their website and they said that to request one by mail, to allow 10-15 business days! I have to have my whole packet in Arizona by the 19th of this month! So now I'm freaking out a little.

So I went over to my parents' house. Surely my mom would have a copy, right? RIGHT! Oh I was so relieved! So I have 2 of 3 required documents. Now for my diploma...

I graduated from high school 10 years ago. Wow...10 years...and what have I done with my life? I got married. I'm actually working in the field in which I went to college for. I didn't get a college degree, but I have the experience to back me.

So yeah, 10 years ago. I have no clue where my diploma is. I have had no reason/desire to see it. I'm sure it's buried somewhere in a box. But I just don't have the motivation or time to dig through a million boxes. Just ain't gonna happen I tell ya!

So I went to my old school and ordered an official sealed transcript. That should suffice for a diploma, right? Gosh I hope so. I'll be sending an e-mail to my background investigator to verify that.

This is very intense! But hopefully something will come of it.

On a side note, somewhat related, I tested for Irvine police dispatch this week. And I'm testing for Newport Beach police dispatch next Friday. Just putting lots of feelers out for possible new jobs. It would be nice to get hired with either Irvine or Newport because then we wouldn't be moving. We would stay by family. We wouldn't incur the cost of moving. But at the same time, I almost feel as though we need to move in order to grow. Not that we are smothered or sheltered here by family, just that I feel it is time to move on.

Does that make sense?

I hope so.

Now it's time to go back to playing "Draw Something". It's a new game on my phone that I play against my friends. It's like pictionary.

And it's really addicting.

Michigan, Lansing

Many years ago, my little brother Tyler sat in Primary and sang a song.

He has since grown a foot or two or three.

I'm not sure if he's ready, but he must be, for he is going to teach and preach and serve as missionaries do!

Tyler got his call yesterday. He opened it via Facebook/Skype.

Dad plugged in his laptop to the TV and he was all alone in his dorm room. Then a few of his buddies came in and were able to share the moment with him.

I love that my brother is going on a mission.

He makes me proud.

I'm already praying for his safety in the mission field.

I love him dearly.

He's a goofy kid, so I know he'll have fun.

He's also had experience with serving others.

He's almost 19. He reports to the MTC (Missionary Training Center) on June 20. I can't wait for him to come home from school. I am excited to go to the temple with him.

I know he will make a great missionary.

I love you Elder Bell!!!

Onward and Upward!!

I am officially in the background process with Gilbert. I'm totally excited! And nervous!

I have to find my birth certificate, high school diploma, marriage license, as well as complete the background packet. The good thing is I only have to list places I have lived for the past 5 years, not 10! Even though I have the addresses for the past 10 years. Really I can go back to when we lived in Texas.

So it looks like I have a bit of digging to do tonight when I get home from work. And tomorrow morning.

Crap! Where is my diploma? Where's my birth certificate? I know everything got put away in boxes when I moved. Oh heaven help me!

I know I can get a copy of my birth certificate. And marriage license. But my diploma? Dang. Sure hope I can find it!

Possibly Questionable Topic: Do You Feel Sexy?

**GASP**

"Oh my gosh, did she use the word 'sexy' in her title?"

Why yes, yes I did. And it is more or less the focus of my thoughts right now.

I know that to feel sexy, one must have confidence. And not give a darn what society says/thinks/feels. We know that our bodies are sacred and that we are here to be daughters, mothers, sisters, etc. We believe in modesty and respecting our bodies. I get that.

I want to look good too. There are times when I want to look good for my husband. I'm talking about going out on a date and wearing something other than jeans and a sweatshirt. And dare I say it? In the bedroom, too!

I suppose it comes down to what is considered sexy. Modesty is beautiful. I have a hard time finding attractive, modest clothes that fit. It seems as though when I find a cute dress that is long enough to be modest, the same dress is typically sleeveless or strapless. I know there is nothing that says I can't add a sweater or some sort of cover-up, but I hate that I have to add to an existing garment.

I digress. I guess my ADD is kicking in again.

What do you other modest Mormon Mommies (or non-mommy, as in my case) do to feel sexy? A certain lotion or perfume? That perfect shirt you found years ago? What about swimsuits? Do you guys opt for lingerie at all? That's my big issue. I love the illusion of it, but unless you have a supermodel's body, it just doesn't fit right and I feel silly.

So spill! Please! Do you feel sexy? What do you do to boost your confidence?

Another Test

I registered for another dispatch test.

This one is in Irvine, CA.

It pays more than what I make now.

We wouldn't need to move if I got the job.

There are probably a lot more people who applied for this job.

Chances are there are only 1-2 spots open.

So my odds of moving on in the process probably aren't that high.

----

On a side note, my head feels very full today. Heavy.

I'm wishing that I could be at home in bed.

Instead I'm at work.

Mornings come too early. Not that I can sleep in.

I usually wake up early, before my alarm goes off. And then when the alarm does go off, I'm exhausted.

So that's where I'm at today. Tired, hurting head, trying to stay positive about another chance at a new job.

How's your Saturday shaping up?

Weekend Events

I've realized that my blog is rather boring in the visual sense. I very rarely post pictures. I think it's because I'm too lazy.

Hey, at least I'm honest!

Hopefully once we find the charging cord for the camera, I can upload the cheesy pictures from our 3rd anniversary. Really, the only pictures we took were of our cake. Not that exciting.

But to start off the recap of events, Sunday morning Earl and I headed out to Arizona. We were on the road by about 9am. It was pretty windy and so we unfortunately did not make it there on 1 tank of gas. :( But we eventually made it there and had dinner with Adam and Cathie, Earl's brother and sister-in-law. And dinner was A-MA-ZING! Cathie made these super yummy chicken pockets and I can only guess at the recipe. I asked for the recipe, and am quietly waiting for it. It was amazingly delicious. I think I ate 4 of them.

Monday morning dawned clear and breezy. I got ready for my interview and was trying to not be too nervous. So I was being good and putting my nylons on. I wasn't looking forward to it, for I HATE wearing pantyhose. I had even bought a pair just for this interview. And wouldn't you know it, straight out of the box, brand-spanking new, these suckers had a hole and a run!

I had to make an emergency run to Walgreen's to get a new pair and of course I didn't have time to go back home to put them on, but head straight to the department and hope for a public bathroom.

Which there was, thank goodness. Have you ever tried to put on pantyhose standing up in a bathroom? It's difficult. And awkward.

But the interview went well. Really well. I can only think of a couple of things I could've said to improve my answers, but the ladies running the interview were really great. I even got them to laugh an chuckle a few times. I gave examples that they were even able to relate to personally, so that was good.

I found out that I am one of 6 people who interviewed for 4 spots. Huge boost to me! They liked me, even though I'm out of state! Their words were that I was a "top contender" for the position!

So while I was on my emotional high after the interview, Earl and I went to look at apartments. We looked at 3, and I think we found our future "maybe" home. It's in a complex called Sonoma Landing in Gilbert, AZ. It's only about a 15-20 minute drive to the department (we drove it, just to check). It is a one bedroom, one bathroom with 899 sq ft. It has an open kitchen, full-size W/D, dishwasher, built-in desk area in the living room, bar section by the sink (love it!), bay window in the dining area, separate entrances to both the bathroom and bedroom. And a walk-in closet. And an oval garden tub.

And did I say that I'm in love?

There was also a mild dust storm while we were there. That was interesting. Not a whole lot going on, just low visibility.

Earl and I went to IKEA for our anniversary dinner. Cheap and simple. I wish I could say the food was good.  It was pretty disgusting. Which was disappointing since we'd eaten at IKEA before and it was good. Many times. But we had fun walking around with Adam and Cathie too. We ended the night with our cake, even blew out 3 candles. Earl thinks I'm silly for wanting candles. I say it's fun! We went to bed right on time, me with the help of a sleep aid and sudafed.

We got up and were on the road by 8. We stopped at the Desert Hills Outlets and walked around a bit. It was in the 40's and windy, so I was freezing! Even Earl said he was chilly. We didn't find anything to buy. Probably a good thing! We made it home by about 1430, and just kinda vegged out the rest of the afternoon. Earl worked on homework, I did some laundry and made macaroni and cheese for dinner. High class baby, high class!

All in all, it was a successful trip. We had fun, accomplished what needed to be done, and hung out with family.

And that, my friends, is how an "old married couple" celebrates an anniversary!

Events of the Upcoming Weekend (and then some...)

Here I sit at work again. This time we are pretty busy. We've had 43 trips since I got on at 0700 and it's only 1109 now. Not too shabby.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. On Friday night my choir is recording for a Christmas CD. They will continue recording Saturday morning, but I was not able to get Saturday off work so I won't be joining them that morning.

And then on Sunday Earl and I will be heading out to Arizona. I have my interview on Monday morning at 0945. I'm a little LOT nervous about it. But I know it will be okay. I'm trying to not think about it and psych myself out.

We will also look at some more apartments while out there. There are about 4 or 5 more complexes that I want to see.

I just got an e-mail saying that my application to Irvine PD dispatch has been reviewed and they will contact me next week. I've also gotten an e-mail inviting me to test for Mesa PD dispatch (Arizona as well) and I just need to schedule that.

So Earl and I may be having date night this week on Thursday, since OCMCO rehearsal has been cancelled. Or not. We'll see.

One thing that is somewhat being overshadowed on Monday is our anniversary. This marks 3 years for me and Earl. We will continue our tradition and get a small cake and blow out candles. Yes, we're silly, but this is something that we have started and will continue for years to come. I mean, why not have a cake and celebrate another year of wedded bliss? I like it. He likes it. And we get cake!

And who doesn't like cake?


(If you responded that you don't like cake, I'm not sure that we can be friends anymore.)

Thoughts and Feelings

This post may be a little heavy for a Monday morning. But I've actually been contemplating it all since yesterday. Well, technically parts since Friday.

I was feeling just fine and dandy yesterday before church. I wouldn't say I was excited to go to church, but I wasn't dreading it either. Mostly indifferent. I had just gotten my hair trimmed and it looked good, and I was wearing my red peep-toe sling-back 4 inch heels. I looked good.

Sacrament meeting was good. Our Elders Quorum presidency spoke. A little girl from our ward had been baptized on Saturday and she was dressed in white and was just cute as can be.

I got to Sunday School and sat by myself. Earl had taken an elderly man home, my mother-in-law had gone home as she wasn't feeling well, and my father-in-law was doing clerk business. I can't say that I remember much of what was taught. I was distracted. I remember that I was going to make a comment, but someone else said the same thing basically that I was going to say. Kinda made me feel good though, because this guy used to be a bishop and in a stake presidency. So I guess my intellect was spot on!

But the Relief Society started.

Just me and a bunch of other women. I feel awkward. Especially because I didn't have the security blanket of my mother-in-law next to me.

I was distracted again by the little babies/toddlers crawling on the floor, playing with each other. It was kind of cute really. Like a little play group. Interesting to watch the behaviors of the kids. Which ones were okay with sharing toys, and the ones who didn't know what sharing was.

And then I looked at a gal who is pregnant. I'm not sure if she and her husband have been married for a year yet. I really like this gal. She's smart, pretty, genuinely nice to everyone. You know, the type of person you love to be jealous of. I remember having a conversation with her about how they wanted to get a dog and weren't ready for kids.

I feel very self-conscious at church sometimes. I'm paranoid that people look at me and Earl and wonder why we aren't having kids. No one has come out and said it to us, hence the paranoia.

And I have a confession. I have become obsessed with pregnancy/fertility/infertility.

I've become infected with this topic. I can't help it. I need an intervention. Seriously. I am deathly afraid that we are dealing with some sort of infertility and what the consequences might be. I know that fertility treatments can be expensive. I know that adoption can be very expensive. And yes, I know that having a child the natural way is just as expensive.

I have tried to approach this topic in a logical sense. And it works for a day or too. I'm a glutton for punishment. I read blogs online. I read on Parenting.com two blogs entitled "Project Pregnancy" and "The Fertility Files" every day that I'm at work. The first is about 1 or 2 women chronicling her journey through pregnancy, whether she is a first-time mom, or a seasoned pro. The second is one woman's story of Secondary Infertility. I am experiencing neither of these situations. But I am still obsessed.

Why am I sharing this with the world?

I don't know. I don't want to be alone in this. I know there are many women who experience what I'm going through. But I want to know if my friends have been or are in the same boat. Not that this knowledge would make me feel better. And it may be painful to other women. So really, I'm just venting my fears.

Told you this was heavy for a Monday.

Ahh...

Just got my hair trimmed. Only cut about an inch off. Just wanted to get it healthy looking again.

And it feels great!

Just don't tell my husband how much I spent....

Is $70 too much? Well, actually it was $60 and I gave her $10 for a tip.

But I only get my hair cut/trimmed like once a year, if not longer. So it's okay, right? Besides, I have to make sure I look my best for my interview. Even though I will be wearing pantyhose, I'm still going to get a pedicure. Not worried so much about the manicure, I can do my nails pretty well.

What was the point of this post?

Oh yeah. There wasn't one!

The Results are In!

Okay, here's the scoop: I have decided on wearing a grey pin-striped skirt with a long sleeved, light blue button down shirt, with black heels. I will be wearing panty hose, which I am NOT looking forward to. But since it is the more professional look, I will do it.

I went shopping last night with Earl. He was so good. The shirt I ended up with is light blue and I got it from H&M for only $20! I will be returning the shirt I got at Express because I really liked the H&M one more with the skirt. So go me for saving money!

So that is a huge relief for me. I don't have to stress about what I'm going to wear. I will probably pull my hair back in a half ponytail with a side part. Simple, clean, slightly feminine, but still professional. Jewelry will be minimal, simple pendant necklace and stud earrings.

Well, now that everyone knows what I will be wearing, the only thing left to say is I am bored out of my mind!

I tried yoga yesterday for the first time and it kicked my butt! Wow! I could only do about half of the poses and movements and even then, I was a poor representation! I also went for a trail ride yesterday and my mount tried to get away from me twice. The first time she was spooked by a giant white bird that took flight right in front of her. The second time, she just wanted to race and run in a full out gallop. So I'm a little sore today. I'm trying to move and stretch today so that my muscles relax a bit, but sitting at a desk for 12 hours isn't very conducive to that!

But I do look forward to getting better at the whole yoga thing. I just want to be flexible and have some semblance of strength again. Plus I've heard that yoga is good for back issues. And I have a whole host of back/hip/leg issues. My hips were popping left and right last night. I will take that as a good sign.

Bored yet? Okay, I'll stop here. Happy Saturday!

I Need Your Help!!

CALLING ALL BLOGGERS!!

I need help! I have this interview coming up in just under 3 weeks. And I need clothes! I started doing some preliminary recon shopping for a suit and I am very disappointed with what I have found. I was hoping to perhaps get a new shirt to pair with the black pants I already have. You know, work with what I have so I don't have to spend a fortune.

But then I started thinking that I should get a suit, you know, be more professional and everything. Perhaps the board would be impressed that a young woman (I still qualify as a young woman, right?) would show up in a suit for the interview. 

But then I started look at the prices for just a jacket to pair with my pants. Holy cow! $200 just for a jacket? I was blown away! 

So basically this is what I have to work with:

1 Pair black wool blend pants from Express

1 black belt

1 Pair black patent leather peep-toe pumps

1 Pair red patent leather sling-back heels

Various camisoles, some with lace trim, some plain colors

I don't have a huge budget. Really, the cheaper the better. I'm sure my husband would prefer if I didn't spend anything at all, but we all know that's not going to happen! I'm open to all suggestions!!

News!

So I have taken to being lazy on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Earl has his computer building class and I don't have to work. So I'm all alone (except for the cat) and it's still relatively dark out. And chilly. So I stay in bed, and usually put an old movie on Netflix.

Yesterday I watched "Anastasia" with Ingrid Bergman and Yul Brynner. Not too shabby. Parts were a little annoying, but overall it was good.

And while I was in bed watching the movie, I got a phone call.

THE phone call.

Arizona was calling to schedule my oral board interview.

FINALLY!!!

I'm set to go on Monday, Feb. 27.

That day is also our 3rd wedding anniversary. So I guess we'll be going away for it after all!

Of course this now gives me time to shop for an interview outfit. :) Earl isn't too happy about that. Oh well!

Well, time to get back to training the new guy. Wish me luck!

High Hopes

So there's a song I have running through my head right now. I don't know the name of the song, or the words, other than those of the title. I'm sure it's from a movie or stage show.

Why am I telling you this? Because someone told me I have a cute blog! Now I'm nervous that they have high hopes for my blog! What if I don't write something cute? Or funny? What if it's just me? Oi, I think I have a headache...

Eh, I guess it doesn't matter. I write this blog for me, right? At least that's how it started. Well, I guess I started it so that my friends and family could read what's going on in my life too.

The problem is I don't have a lot going on in my life. I mean, I do, I'm almost always busy, but it's the same thing every week. I work Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday at Doctor's. And on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I work at the barn. Thursday nights I have choir practice. Sunday's I go to church.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Earl goes to school Monday through Thursday.

When we're home we watch movies or TV shows on Netflix. And play with the cat.

We need to go grocery shopping this week.

I've lost my train of thought. Again.

Dang it.

And this is why I question why I have a blog. If you read this, all you did was waste time. I apologize for that.

I guess we did do something out of the ordinary yesterday. We went up to Long Beach for a Super Bowl party with some friends. I made yellow cake mix cookies with chocolate frosting. The game wasn't amazing, the commercials seemed to be lacking. But the friends were always good. And so was the food.

And when Earl and I got home, I took 1 Tylenol PM, he took some melatonin (we both have issues sleeping) and watched an episode of The X Files. It was quiet, relaxing, and just what I needed.

Have I wasted enough of your time yet? Yes? Okay, good.

ADD & Some Ramblings

Okay, can I just say "wow?" I'm sitting at work right now...and I can't focus worth a darn right now.

Not only can I not focus, I can't sit still.

I'm bored out of my mind.

I could play Angry Birds, but I don't think I have the attention span for that either.

How sad is that?

I just got distracted by something and I completely lot my train of thought.

That is of course, implying that I had a train of thought to begin with.

So perhaps I will cut my losses now.

Are you as confused as I am?

Good.

WARNING: THOUGHTFUL POST AHEAD!

I'm a little sleepy today. Slept pretty well last night. I think the night time Tylenol cold and sinus had a hand in that.

Earl and I went to visit my dear friend Jenny last night. She just had a baby. A little girl. She is precious. She spent a few hours in the NICU yesterday. She had some trouble breathing. But she is doing much better now. Hopefully they will both get to go home today.

I am getting better about the whole pregnancy/baby thing. I've been so jealous of my friends who are having kids. People that I love and care about. It's not something I am proud of. I became bitter, angry, depressed. I was not a fun person to be around.

When Jenny sent me a picture of her holding her new daughter, I cried tears of joy for her. I was so happy. The bitterness that I had formerly felt was not there. I was doubly happy.

You see, I had been praying for comfort. For peace. While I knew that now was not the time for a family for me and Earl, I have felt that tug, that void. Knowing that something was missing. Someone was missing. I had accepted my Heavenly Father's answer that we aren't to start a family now. But I needed comfort from this disappointment.

And it came. To be free of that burden is wonderful. I honestly don't feel stronger because of it. I feel humbled. I don't feel stronger because of this trial. But maybe I'm not supposed to feel stronger. I'm supposed to feel like me.

And for once in a long while, I do.

I'm growing as a person. I somewhat feel like the Grinch whose heart grew in the end. Before I could only focus on myself. I couldn't/wouldn't be happy for other people.

I feel like I have turned a corner. I am happy for others. I share their joy.

I am getting better.

Something Has Changed

And I don't know what.

I'm happy today. I've been relatively happy since Friday. And this includes while I'm at work.

Shocker.

I'm not sure what has made the difference. I had a bit of a breakdown last week. Maybe when I released all that negative energy and feelings it was like a cleanse of some sort. Who knows. But I'm feeling good.

I am still having nagging headaches, like every day. And no amount of Tylenol will completely take away the pain. But these aren't migraines, so I don't feel like I need to go super hardcore on meds. So instead I make sure to eat as often as possible and to take the Tylenol regularly.

I am trying to not let the work stress get to me. Although there was a moment yesterday when I was experiencing some serious tension. And the headache that came with it was painful, still not a migraine, but just downright annoying. So I went to bed propped up on pillows. And slept the whole night.

And today I'm sleepy. I want more sleep. But I am at work and don't get to take a nap. Oh how I wish I could. Guess that means I'll sleep well tonight!

Paranoia or My Fault?

Ever wonder if you are imagining things? If you're being paranoid? Or are you justified in your feelings?

That's where I'm at today.

There have been some things going on at work lately. I won't go into detail. Let's just leave it at not good things. Some of it has been going on for a year or more. Some as recent as today. And I wonder if I am imagining things. If I think things are much more sinister than they appear. Am I just overly sensitive? Am I seeing ghosts? Shadows in every corner?

I can't tell.

I am super stressed because of my job. I believe it is affecting my sleep. And turning my face into a playground for acne. Yum.

Talking about my feelings hasn't seemed to help much. I just get more upset and worked up over what's going on. Or isn't going on since I can't tell anymore.

I need a place of refuge. Peace. Comfort. Someplace where I can feel safe and protected. A place where I know that the issues at hand will be kept at bay.

A vacation.

A new job.

I'm trying for the latter. I have been selected to go back for oral boards for the Gilbert, AZ position. But I don't know when. And that stresses me too.

I have too much stress in my life right now.

I'm going to try yoga. I have a mat. Don't have a DVD or class or anything, but it's a start. Hoping it will help both my mind and body.

Only time will tell.

Bitter, Party of One?

Okay so yesterday was not really a good day. I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And then I couldn't find my undershirt and so I had to change my wardrobe choice for church at the last minute.

And I didn't have time to flat-iron my hair.

I know, the horror!


So Earl and I went on our merry way to church by way of picking up and elderly brother and somewhat disabled sister. I was bad, I didn't want to make small talk with them on the way to church. Is it really that hard? No, I was just in a funk and didn't want to. I know, I'm bad.

And when we got to church, the chapel was filling quickly and the overflow was already full. There was a missionary farewell. You know, one of those things that was discontinued like 10 years ago? Where the music, speakers, and prayers are all centered on the missionary? Yeah, one of those.

It irked me a bit.

I sang the songs, because well, they were songs I liked and knew. But I was irritated. Wondering why this kid is so special that he gets to go against what the church said. Why he gets a farewell when my younger brother will be heading out in a few months and I know he won't have the big huge sendoff.

I was asking lots of bitter "why" questions during church. I wasn't really paying attention.

Like I said, I was bad.

What are your opinions of the whole farewell thing? I kind of like how there isn't a big deal about them leaving. This is a humble time in a young man or woman's life. They are giving years of their life to serve God. They are not being paid. They have to dress in a suit or dress/skirt every day. They don't watch TV. They don't get to go to the movies. Or date. This is a selfless time. And I love how when a missionary goes out into the field, their last Sunday at church is like normal. They give a talk based on missionary work, or whatever topic they are assigned. The focus is on the gospel, not the person.

So please, tell me your thoughts. I know I handled the situation poorly, and I am sorry for it. I would really like to know how other people feel on the issue.

Ready, set, share!

E-mail

I got a much-anticipated e-mail today.

I passed the last test I took for AZ.

And I'm moving on to the next step: Oral Boards.

It's my understanding that oral boards are basically a panel interview.

Guess I need to go shopping for a new outfit.

Off Morning

Woke up today with a pounding in my head. My teeth were clenched. Must've had a rough night. Yet I slept through most of it.

Our landlord's realtor is showing our place this morning. Earl cleaned the kitchen, table, and living room last night. I've been folding laundry. I'm not excited that people want to see the place.

#1-It's just a pain in the butt

#2-If the place gets sold, it's not likely the new owners want renters and would be tearing down the place.

#3-If AZ doesn't work out, we would need to find a new place to live. (No I didn't call them, I'm giving them until the 15th. Then I will call.)

#4-As much as I enjoy a clean home, I hate having to clean it for complete strangers. Such a hassle for someone who will only be here for about 5-10 minutes.

And that's my morning. They will be here in just under 2 hours.

Better go fold some more laundry.

From Where I'm Sitting

I have discovered that I do most of my "thinking" while at work. This is probably because I have time to sit and do nothing. Well, not nothing exactly, but there is down-time. And I always liked to write, so why not fill my down-time with blogging? Because we all know that by the time I get home from work I am tired, hungry, and just want to lay in bed.

It is now the 10th of January. I haven't heard back from AZ about the job. I was told not to expect to hear anything until after the first of the year. Well, I'm still waiting! So I will give them a call tomorrow. If I can muster the courage to call.

I really am hoping that this job works out. I'm not thrilled about leaving family and friends, but I feel that this is a good opportunity to move forward with life. I would be making less than I make now, but not by much. Also, apartments are way cheaper out there.

I'm not sure though if my positive thinking is just me being hopeful or someone else saying that yes, this is where I'm to go.

Sometimes I'm a little dense when it comes to answers. Can't help it. I'm blonde.

From where I'm sitting the future is pretty foggy. Like pea soup foggy. I'm hoping that soon I will work my way to the edge of that fog and I will be able to see clearly. Like a few weeks ago when I was driving down the freeway on my way to work and visibility was at about 100ft. I could see a hazy light underneath and then all of a sudden the fog lifted and I could see the sunrise. It wasn't the most beautiful sunrise, but to break free of the fog was glorious. To suddenly be washed in early light was refreshing. So just like I was driving through the fog, I have to move forward in life. I can't wait for the sun to burn off the fog. I'll be waiting hours if I did.

Wow, that was a little too thoughtful for a Tuesday. Sorry, please forgive me!

In other news, I don't have any. Have a wonderful day!

Resolutions? Naw...

Do you like to make New Year's Resolutions? You do? I'm sorry, we can no longer be friends.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

I think I used to like to make them. The whole self-improvement thing, you know? I always say that I want to get in shape. That seems to be popular with the mass population. And 24 Hour Fitness.

Last year, I think, I said I was going to write something every day. That wasn't so much of a resolution though, because it wasn't in January when I said it. So for me to say that I want to blog more often, I suppose it is a resolution of sorts. And if I keep it vague, by say, not attaching a number to it, I'm okay. Right? Like I won't say that I will write a post every day. Or every other day. Or even once a week. Well, once a week might be doable. But I'm not going to commit to it.

Does that mean I have commitment issues?

I have a hard time posting often because I don't feel that I have anything worthwhile to share. I very rarely have pictures to post because I don't do anything! I'm kind of a homebody. I go to work, I go home. I shower and get in bed and watch an episode or two of "Burn Notice" on NetFlix. Earl and I don't go out and do stuff. We try to have a date night once a week. Usually that consists of dinner. Maybe a movie. And we don't have kids. So I don't have fun/crazy/silly/destructive stories to tell.

I have a cat.

I refuse to be the crazy cat lady. So I don't post pictures of her in cute little outfits.

Mainly because she would claw me to death if I tried to put on on her.

But she is cute. She is 9 months old now. She still curls up super tiny and cute.

I'm not the crazy cat lady.

So maybe I can do a post a week. Maybe. I might be able to scrounge up enough to jabber about for a post. If not, just remember that I didn't commit to a specific number of posts so if I don't post, I cannot be held accountable. Okay?

Okay!

The Gift of Song

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only one.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love, without end.


~Emma Lou Thayne, Hymn #129 "Where Can I Turn for Peace?"