Thoughts and Feelings

This post may be a little heavy for a Monday morning. But I've actually been contemplating it all since yesterday. Well, technically parts since Friday.

I was feeling just fine and dandy yesterday before church. I wouldn't say I was excited to go to church, but I wasn't dreading it either. Mostly indifferent. I had just gotten my hair trimmed and it looked good, and I was wearing my red peep-toe sling-back 4 inch heels. I looked good.

Sacrament meeting was good. Our Elders Quorum presidency spoke. A little girl from our ward had been baptized on Saturday and she was dressed in white and was just cute as can be.

I got to Sunday School and sat by myself. Earl had taken an elderly man home, my mother-in-law had gone home as she wasn't feeling well, and my father-in-law was doing clerk business. I can't say that I remember much of what was taught. I was distracted. I remember that I was going to make a comment, but someone else said the same thing basically that I was going to say. Kinda made me feel good though, because this guy used to be a bishop and in a stake presidency. So I guess my intellect was spot on!

But the Relief Society started.

Just me and a bunch of other women. I feel awkward. Especially because I didn't have the security blanket of my mother-in-law next to me.

I was distracted again by the little babies/toddlers crawling on the floor, playing with each other. It was kind of cute really. Like a little play group. Interesting to watch the behaviors of the kids. Which ones were okay with sharing toys, and the ones who didn't know what sharing was.

And then I looked at a gal who is pregnant. I'm not sure if she and her husband have been married for a year yet. I really like this gal. She's smart, pretty, genuinely nice to everyone. You know, the type of person you love to be jealous of. I remember having a conversation with her about how they wanted to get a dog and weren't ready for kids.

I feel very self-conscious at church sometimes. I'm paranoid that people look at me and Earl and wonder why we aren't having kids. No one has come out and said it to us, hence the paranoia.

And I have a confession. I have become obsessed with pregnancy/fertility/infertility.

I've become infected with this topic. I can't help it. I need an intervention. Seriously. I am deathly afraid that we are dealing with some sort of infertility and what the consequences might be. I know that fertility treatments can be expensive. I know that adoption can be very expensive. And yes, I know that having a child the natural way is just as expensive.

I have tried to approach this topic in a logical sense. And it works for a day or too. I'm a glutton for punishment. I read blogs online. I read on Parenting.com two blogs entitled "Project Pregnancy" and "The Fertility Files" every day that I'm at work. The first is about 1 or 2 women chronicling her journey through pregnancy, whether she is a first-time mom, or a seasoned pro. The second is one woman's story of Secondary Infertility. I am experiencing neither of these situations. But I am still obsessed.

Why am I sharing this with the world?

I don't know. I don't want to be alone in this. I know there are many women who experience what I'm going through. But I want to know if my friends have been or are in the same boat. Not that this knowledge would make me feel better. And it may be painful to other women. So really, I'm just venting my fears.

Told you this was heavy for a Monday.