Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
What Can I Say?
**I am warning those who read my blog ahead of time. This is not a happy post. I am not trying to get sympathy. I am merely putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I am not attempting to hurt or offend anyone. This is how I feel and no one can tell me that what I feel is wrong nor am I looking for help.**
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
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