In 2 short days is my ward's Trunk or Treat activity.
Next week is Halloween.
And in 4 days I turn 30.
I think I'm having an identity issue. I was seriously starting to have some anxiety over what to dress as for Trunk or Treat. Lame?
Very.
I started thinking about who I am. What I've accomplished over the years. Who I will become over the next 30 years.
My thoughts started to overwhelm me. I feel at times that I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. That I'm trying to fit a mold designed by society and my peers. And I do not fit. Not one bit.
Why am I sharing this with you? Beats me.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Small Update
Okay, so I just started working out. Like, yesterday. I know. Wow, go me, right?
Now I know that in order to lose weight (which I'm not really aiming for, more just toning what I've lost over the last 10 years of sedentary life) you have to burn more calories than you take in, correct? I've never been a big fan of counting calories-I love food way too much. So I took a little quiz yesterday and the results said I should be consuming about 2400 calories a day. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, when I have a protein shake in the morning that has 200 calories in it, then a salad at lunch with 300 calories, add in a Go-gurt, a couple things of string cheese, and an applesauce cup, all washed down with about 2 liters of water throughout the day, I'm looking alright, right? Oh and then 3 scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and ham for dinner.
Yeah, except that I'm starving. Not literally, but I constantly feel hungry. Not fun. Do I keep at it and let my body adjust to the new regimen? Or do I stick with my normal food intake?
Just don't judge me for the 4 slices of pizza and large bowl of ice cream I had tonight. I know it was binge eating, my day was a bit stressful. Oh who cares? I'm not trying to become the next super model (HA!) or body builder. I just don't want bilateral liquefaction in my hips when I walk.
p.s. I didn't make it into EVMCO. Didn't make it past the first round of auditions. Bummer.
Now I know that in order to lose weight (which I'm not really aiming for, more just toning what I've lost over the last 10 years of sedentary life) you have to burn more calories than you take in, correct? I've never been a big fan of counting calories-I love food way too much. So I took a little quiz yesterday and the results said I should be consuming about 2400 calories a day. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, when I have a protein shake in the morning that has 200 calories in it, then a salad at lunch with 300 calories, add in a Go-gurt, a couple things of string cheese, and an applesauce cup, all washed down with about 2 liters of water throughout the day, I'm looking alright, right? Oh and then 3 scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and ham for dinner.
Yeah, except that I'm starving. Not literally, but I constantly feel hungry. Not fun. Do I keep at it and let my body adjust to the new regimen? Or do I stick with my normal food intake?
Just don't judge me for the 4 slices of pizza and large bowl of ice cream I had tonight. I know it was binge eating, my day was a bit stressful. Oh who cares? I'm not trying to become the next super model (HA!) or body builder. I just don't want bilateral liquefaction in my hips when I walk.
p.s. I didn't make it into EVMCO. Didn't make it past the first round of auditions. Bummer.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Arkham Asylum Perhaps?
I think I've gone crazy. Or perhaps just a little desperate?
I've wanted to join up with EVMCO since I moved from California. I was in the Orange county "chapter" and loved it. Well, because we moved and with work I wasn't able to transfer to the East Valley group. My work now allows for it so I sent in an interest form.
I heard back from them and because there are always more women than men who try out, they are requiring the women to submit a 30 second recording of them singing.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to sing, just not solos. So I've been putting off doing this recording, somewhat a capella, until the very last moment. I cheated a bit-I have this free program where you can "write" your own music. Well I copied the notes out of my hymn book to "I Need Thee Every Hour" because the program will also play the notes back to you. So I plunked out the notes, threw on some headphones, practiced a lot, chickened out even more, warmed up, and hit record on my phone's mp3 recorder app.
I listened to it once, said good enough, and emailed it off.
I'm hoping that this is just a way to weed out the people who aren't all that serious about singing in the choir. I've been in it before, I know the commitment required, and I want to do it again. I know more or less what the directors are looking for and how they conduct rehearsals, etc. I'm no pro, but I'm a veteran of the organization.
I sound nervous on the recording, but oh well. It's been sent off into the ether known as the Internet.
I'll hear back within 2 weeks. Cross your fingers, say a prayer. I really want this to happen!
I've wanted to join up with EVMCO since I moved from California. I was in the Orange county "chapter" and loved it. Well, because we moved and with work I wasn't able to transfer to the East Valley group. My work now allows for it so I sent in an interest form.
I heard back from them and because there are always more women than men who try out, they are requiring the women to submit a 30 second recording of them singing.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to sing, just not solos. So I've been putting off doing this recording, somewhat a capella, until the very last moment. I cheated a bit-I have this free program where you can "write" your own music. Well I copied the notes out of my hymn book to "I Need Thee Every Hour" because the program will also play the notes back to you. So I plunked out the notes, threw on some headphones, practiced a lot, chickened out even more, warmed up, and hit record on my phone's mp3 recorder app.
I listened to it once, said good enough, and emailed it off.
I'm hoping that this is just a way to weed out the people who aren't all that serious about singing in the choir. I've been in it before, I know the commitment required, and I want to do it again. I know more or less what the directors are looking for and how they conduct rehearsals, etc. I'm no pro, but I'm a veteran of the organization.
I sound nervous on the recording, but oh well. It's been sent off into the ether known as the Internet.
I'll hear back within 2 weeks. Cross your fingers, say a prayer. I really want this to happen!
Monday, May 27, 2013
A Fresh Start
I have been encouraged by a very special person to write again. A few things have happened since I last wrote anything. So here's the recap:
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by my former boss and friend to come to California for a few days and help right the wrongs that had occurred in the office since my departure. She paid my airfare, and for my time working. My favorite part of the weekend was that it was Mother's Day and I did not share with my mother, or mother-in-law that I was coming.
I showed up at church that Sunday with the plan to surprise my mom. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as my parents, so I delayed my entrance a few minutes. I made eye-contact with my dad as I walked into the chapel-he was expecting me. I then sat down right next to my mom with a big grin on my face. The look on hers was priceless!! She sputtered, asking me what I was doing there and where I came from, or something along those lines.
And then she cried.
And then I cried.
It was the best moment.
I was going to sit in between my parents, but my sister came too and she wanted to sit by me! It was nice seeing old friends that day, none of whom knew I was going to be there, for I kept my secret well. It was so hard not to post anything on Facebook! Then, that afternoon I was able to speak with my brother Tyler, who is serving a mission in Michigan right now. He will be home next May. I haven't heard his voice in a year and it was good to visit with my entire family.
It's funny, when Earl and I moved to Arizona last year, I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my family. Yet I bawled my eyes out when I said goodbye to my friends at the barn. It was the same situation when we went back for a visit last October.
This time around, when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I hugged my mom and dad so tight. I cried. I didn't cry when I left the barn. But saying goodbye to my parents hurt. I keep trying to tell them to move out here. I don't think it'll happen though.
The other big thing that has happened is that I have a new job. I am the new Shipping Clerk at Western Window Systems. I work with a guy from church. He's the Shipping Manager and I am his assistant. I've completed one week there and I really like it! It was kind of "sink or swim" last week. The guy who was supposed to train me was out sick 3 of the 5 days. So I learned/did a lot by myself. I still have tons to learn and hope to heaven that I don't screw up too badly!
I like to think that I've turned a page in my own story. I'm not stuck in a rut. Things get me down at times, but I don't wallow anymore. There are times when I'm sad, but I move on.
So yeah. I'm making a fresh start. I'm not perfect, it's not a New Year's Resolution, "and I know I'll take some falls. But with the Good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." (If you can name that song, you get a virtual high five from me!)
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by my former boss and friend to come to California for a few days and help right the wrongs that had occurred in the office since my departure. She paid my airfare, and for my time working. My favorite part of the weekend was that it was Mother's Day and I did not share with my mother, or mother-in-law that I was coming.
I showed up at church that Sunday with the plan to surprise my mom. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as my parents, so I delayed my entrance a few minutes. I made eye-contact with my dad as I walked into the chapel-he was expecting me. I then sat down right next to my mom with a big grin on my face. The look on hers was priceless!! She sputtered, asking me what I was doing there and where I came from, or something along those lines.
And then she cried.
And then I cried.
It was the best moment.
I was going to sit in between my parents, but my sister came too and she wanted to sit by me! It was nice seeing old friends that day, none of whom knew I was going to be there, for I kept my secret well. It was so hard not to post anything on Facebook! Then, that afternoon I was able to speak with my brother Tyler, who is serving a mission in Michigan right now. He will be home next May. I haven't heard his voice in a year and it was good to visit with my entire family.
It's funny, when Earl and I moved to Arizona last year, I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my family. Yet I bawled my eyes out when I said goodbye to my friends at the barn. It was the same situation when we went back for a visit last October.
This time around, when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I hugged my mom and dad so tight. I cried. I didn't cry when I left the barn. But saying goodbye to my parents hurt. I keep trying to tell them to move out here. I don't think it'll happen though.
The other big thing that has happened is that I have a new job. I am the new Shipping Clerk at Western Window Systems. I work with a guy from church. He's the Shipping Manager and I am his assistant. I've completed one week there and I really like it! It was kind of "sink or swim" last week. The guy who was supposed to train me was out sick 3 of the 5 days. So I learned/did a lot by myself. I still have tons to learn and hope to heaven that I don't screw up too badly!
I like to think that I've turned a page in my own story. I'm not stuck in a rut. Things get me down at times, but I don't wallow anymore. There are times when I'm sad, but I move on.
So yeah. I'm making a fresh start. I'm not perfect, it's not a New Year's Resolution, "and I know I'll take some falls. But with the Good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." (If you can name that song, you get a virtual high five from me!)
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
What Can I Say?
**I am warning those who read my blog ahead of time. This is not a happy post. I am not trying to get sympathy. I am merely putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I am not attempting to hurt or offend anyone. This is how I feel and no one can tell me that what I feel is wrong nor am I looking for help.**
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
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