In 2 short days is my ward's Trunk or Treat activity.
Next week is Halloween.
And in 4 days I turn 30.
I think I'm having an identity issue. I was seriously starting to have some anxiety over what to dress as for Trunk or Treat. Lame?
Very.
I started thinking about who I am. What I've accomplished over the years. Who I will become over the next 30 years.
My thoughts started to overwhelm me. I feel at times that I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. That I'm trying to fit a mold designed by society and my peers. And I do not fit. Not one bit.
Why am I sharing this with you? Beats me.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Small Update
Okay, so I just started working out. Like, yesterday. I know. Wow, go me, right?
Now I know that in order to lose weight (which I'm not really aiming for, more just toning what I've lost over the last 10 years of sedentary life) you have to burn more calories than you take in, correct? I've never been a big fan of counting calories-I love food way too much. So I took a little quiz yesterday and the results said I should be consuming about 2400 calories a day. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, when I have a protein shake in the morning that has 200 calories in it, then a salad at lunch with 300 calories, add in a Go-gurt, a couple things of string cheese, and an applesauce cup, all washed down with about 2 liters of water throughout the day, I'm looking alright, right? Oh and then 3 scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and ham for dinner.
Yeah, except that I'm starving. Not literally, but I constantly feel hungry. Not fun. Do I keep at it and let my body adjust to the new regimen? Or do I stick with my normal food intake?
Just don't judge me for the 4 slices of pizza and large bowl of ice cream I had tonight. I know it was binge eating, my day was a bit stressful. Oh who cares? I'm not trying to become the next super model (HA!) or body builder. I just don't want bilateral liquefaction in my hips when I walk.
p.s. I didn't make it into EVMCO. Didn't make it past the first round of auditions. Bummer.
Now I know that in order to lose weight (which I'm not really aiming for, more just toning what I've lost over the last 10 years of sedentary life) you have to burn more calories than you take in, correct? I've never been a big fan of counting calories-I love food way too much. So I took a little quiz yesterday and the results said I should be consuming about 2400 calories a day. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, when I have a protein shake in the morning that has 200 calories in it, then a salad at lunch with 300 calories, add in a Go-gurt, a couple things of string cheese, and an applesauce cup, all washed down with about 2 liters of water throughout the day, I'm looking alright, right? Oh and then 3 scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and ham for dinner.
Yeah, except that I'm starving. Not literally, but I constantly feel hungry. Not fun. Do I keep at it and let my body adjust to the new regimen? Or do I stick with my normal food intake?
Just don't judge me for the 4 slices of pizza and large bowl of ice cream I had tonight. I know it was binge eating, my day was a bit stressful. Oh who cares? I'm not trying to become the next super model (HA!) or body builder. I just don't want bilateral liquefaction in my hips when I walk.
p.s. I didn't make it into EVMCO. Didn't make it past the first round of auditions. Bummer.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Arkham Asylum Perhaps?
I think I've gone crazy. Or perhaps just a little desperate?
I've wanted to join up with EVMCO since I moved from California. I was in the Orange county "chapter" and loved it. Well, because we moved and with work I wasn't able to transfer to the East Valley group. My work now allows for it so I sent in an interest form.
I heard back from them and because there are always more women than men who try out, they are requiring the women to submit a 30 second recording of them singing.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to sing, just not solos. So I've been putting off doing this recording, somewhat a capella, until the very last moment. I cheated a bit-I have this free program where you can "write" your own music. Well I copied the notes out of my hymn book to "I Need Thee Every Hour" because the program will also play the notes back to you. So I plunked out the notes, threw on some headphones, practiced a lot, chickened out even more, warmed up, and hit record on my phone's mp3 recorder app.
I listened to it once, said good enough, and emailed it off.
I'm hoping that this is just a way to weed out the people who aren't all that serious about singing in the choir. I've been in it before, I know the commitment required, and I want to do it again. I know more or less what the directors are looking for and how they conduct rehearsals, etc. I'm no pro, but I'm a veteran of the organization.
I sound nervous on the recording, but oh well. It's been sent off into the ether known as the Internet.
I'll hear back within 2 weeks. Cross your fingers, say a prayer. I really want this to happen!
I've wanted to join up with EVMCO since I moved from California. I was in the Orange county "chapter" and loved it. Well, because we moved and with work I wasn't able to transfer to the East Valley group. My work now allows for it so I sent in an interest form.
I heard back from them and because there are always more women than men who try out, they are requiring the women to submit a 30 second recording of them singing.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to sing, just not solos. So I've been putting off doing this recording, somewhat a capella, until the very last moment. I cheated a bit-I have this free program where you can "write" your own music. Well I copied the notes out of my hymn book to "I Need Thee Every Hour" because the program will also play the notes back to you. So I plunked out the notes, threw on some headphones, practiced a lot, chickened out even more, warmed up, and hit record on my phone's mp3 recorder app.
I listened to it once, said good enough, and emailed it off.
I'm hoping that this is just a way to weed out the people who aren't all that serious about singing in the choir. I've been in it before, I know the commitment required, and I want to do it again. I know more or less what the directors are looking for and how they conduct rehearsals, etc. I'm no pro, but I'm a veteran of the organization.
I sound nervous on the recording, but oh well. It's been sent off into the ether known as the Internet.
I'll hear back within 2 weeks. Cross your fingers, say a prayer. I really want this to happen!
Monday, May 27, 2013
A Fresh Start
I have been encouraged by a very special person to write again. A few things have happened since I last wrote anything. So here's the recap:
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by my former boss and friend to come to California for a few days and help right the wrongs that had occurred in the office since my departure. She paid my airfare, and for my time working. My favorite part of the weekend was that it was Mother's Day and I did not share with my mother, or mother-in-law that I was coming.
I showed up at church that Sunday with the plan to surprise my mom. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as my parents, so I delayed my entrance a few minutes. I made eye-contact with my dad as I walked into the chapel-he was expecting me. I then sat down right next to my mom with a big grin on my face. The look on hers was priceless!! She sputtered, asking me what I was doing there and where I came from, or something along those lines.
And then she cried.
And then I cried.
It was the best moment.
I was going to sit in between my parents, but my sister came too and she wanted to sit by me! It was nice seeing old friends that day, none of whom knew I was going to be there, for I kept my secret well. It was so hard not to post anything on Facebook! Then, that afternoon I was able to speak with my brother Tyler, who is serving a mission in Michigan right now. He will be home next May. I haven't heard his voice in a year and it was good to visit with my entire family.
It's funny, when Earl and I moved to Arizona last year, I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my family. Yet I bawled my eyes out when I said goodbye to my friends at the barn. It was the same situation when we went back for a visit last October.
This time around, when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I hugged my mom and dad so tight. I cried. I didn't cry when I left the barn. But saying goodbye to my parents hurt. I keep trying to tell them to move out here. I don't think it'll happen though.
The other big thing that has happened is that I have a new job. I am the new Shipping Clerk at Western Window Systems. I work with a guy from church. He's the Shipping Manager and I am his assistant. I've completed one week there and I really like it! It was kind of "sink or swim" last week. The guy who was supposed to train me was out sick 3 of the 5 days. So I learned/did a lot by myself. I still have tons to learn and hope to heaven that I don't screw up too badly!
I like to think that I've turned a page in my own story. I'm not stuck in a rut. Things get me down at times, but I don't wallow anymore. There are times when I'm sad, but I move on.
So yeah. I'm making a fresh start. I'm not perfect, it's not a New Year's Resolution, "and I know I'll take some falls. But with the Good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." (If you can name that song, you get a virtual high five from me!)
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by my former boss and friend to come to California for a few days and help right the wrongs that had occurred in the office since my departure. She paid my airfare, and for my time working. My favorite part of the weekend was that it was Mother's Day and I did not share with my mother, or mother-in-law that I was coming.
I showed up at church that Sunday with the plan to surprise my mom. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as my parents, so I delayed my entrance a few minutes. I made eye-contact with my dad as I walked into the chapel-he was expecting me. I then sat down right next to my mom with a big grin on my face. The look on hers was priceless!! She sputtered, asking me what I was doing there and where I came from, or something along those lines.
And then she cried.
And then I cried.
It was the best moment.
I was going to sit in between my parents, but my sister came too and she wanted to sit by me! It was nice seeing old friends that day, none of whom knew I was going to be there, for I kept my secret well. It was so hard not to post anything on Facebook! Then, that afternoon I was able to speak with my brother Tyler, who is serving a mission in Michigan right now. He will be home next May. I haven't heard his voice in a year and it was good to visit with my entire family.
It's funny, when Earl and I moved to Arizona last year, I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my family. Yet I bawled my eyes out when I said goodbye to my friends at the barn. It was the same situation when we went back for a visit last October.
This time around, when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I hugged my mom and dad so tight. I cried. I didn't cry when I left the barn. But saying goodbye to my parents hurt. I keep trying to tell them to move out here. I don't think it'll happen though.
The other big thing that has happened is that I have a new job. I am the new Shipping Clerk at Western Window Systems. I work with a guy from church. He's the Shipping Manager and I am his assistant. I've completed one week there and I really like it! It was kind of "sink or swim" last week. The guy who was supposed to train me was out sick 3 of the 5 days. So I learned/did a lot by myself. I still have tons to learn and hope to heaven that I don't screw up too badly!
I like to think that I've turned a page in my own story. I'm not stuck in a rut. Things get me down at times, but I don't wallow anymore. There are times when I'm sad, but I move on.
So yeah. I'm making a fresh start. I'm not perfect, it's not a New Year's Resolution, "and I know I'll take some falls. But with the Good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." (If you can name that song, you get a virtual high five from me!)
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
What Can I Say?
**I am warning those who read my blog ahead of time. This is not a happy post. I am not trying to get sympathy. I am merely putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I am not attempting to hurt or offend anyone. This is how I feel and no one can tell me that what I feel is wrong nor am I looking for help.**
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
Monday, December 31, 2012
2012: In Retrospect
Things that I have done this year:
Recorded a Christmas CD with the Orange County Mormon Choral Organization. The CD was released and on Billboard's Top Ten for 3 weeks!
Went to Idaho to say goodbye to my Grandpa Bell. I'm so glad that Earl and I went to the Bell Family Reunion the year previous and I was able to spend a few tender moment with him by the campfire, holding hands.
Saw my baby brother leave to serve a 2 year mission for our church. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. I love hearing his testimony in his emails. I can't wait for him to baptize someone and know of the joy to help bring someone to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
Accepted a job offer in Arizona. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I left behind the best job I've ever had, working at BBTRC. I am forever grateful for the volunteers, the families, the kids, and especially the horses. I'm happy that I was able to help some kids, for a short time, grow stronger and more sure of themselves.
Was let go from my job 5 months after moving. Dealing with the thought of being unemployed has been hard.
Got rehired with Sport Chalet. I start tomorrow.
Made a dear friend who has helped me get through the past month, and listened when I needed to talk. Her family also offered me temporary work the last few days and I hope I have not let them down.
I have grown closer to Earl this year. We've been through a lot and I'm sure there's more to come.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Recorded a Christmas CD with the Orange County Mormon Choral Organization. The CD was released and on Billboard's Top Ten for 3 weeks!
Went to Idaho to say goodbye to my Grandpa Bell. I'm so glad that Earl and I went to the Bell Family Reunion the year previous and I was able to spend a few tender moment with him by the campfire, holding hands.
Saw my baby brother leave to serve a 2 year mission for our church. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. I love hearing his testimony in his emails. I can't wait for him to baptize someone and know of the joy to help bring someone to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
Accepted a job offer in Arizona. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I left behind the best job I've ever had, working at BBTRC. I am forever grateful for the volunteers, the families, the kids, and especially the horses. I'm happy that I was able to help some kids, for a short time, grow stronger and more sure of themselves.
Was let go from my job 5 months after moving. Dealing with the thought of being unemployed has been hard.
Got rehired with Sport Chalet. I start tomorrow.
Made a dear friend who has helped me get through the past month, and listened when I needed to talk. Her family also offered me temporary work the last few days and I hope I have not let them down.
I have grown closer to Earl this year. We've been through a lot and I'm sure there's more to come.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Humbled
I am writing this today with a very humbled heart. My emotions are all over the place and I may start spewing tears at any moment. Not that you would know, of course.
I am currently unemployed. I have not been in this situation since the summer of 2002. While this is frightening to experience, it is also a relief. I have not felt like myself for awhile now and I attribute that to the stress of the job I was in.
So today I sent my information to my sister-in-law to help me revamp my resume. I have also applied for a few spots online and inquired about a local barn.
While I can take this time to collect my thoughts and emotions, I can also finally get caught up on the laundry and cleaning the apartment.
It's difficult to deal with my emotions as I feel like a failure for not completing the training. I have to remember that the job just was not for me. There is something else out there for me to do. While this was the job that brought us to Arizona, there is another job I am meant to do. Now I just have to find it.
I am currently unemployed. I have not been in this situation since the summer of 2002. While this is frightening to experience, it is also a relief. I have not felt like myself for awhile now and I attribute that to the stress of the job I was in.
So today I sent my information to my sister-in-law to help me revamp my resume. I have also applied for a few spots online and inquired about a local barn.
While I can take this time to collect my thoughts and emotions, I can also finally get caught up on the laundry and cleaning the apartment.
It's difficult to deal with my emotions as I feel like a failure for not completing the training. I have to remember that the job just was not for me. There is something else out there for me to do. While this was the job that brought us to Arizona, there is another job I am meant to do. Now I just have to find it.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Christmas Music and Family
So many emotions tonight. Gosh I'm an emotional sap lately. I'm listening to the CD that OCMCO/EVMCO recorded last Christmas. It's a Christmas CD and I'm totally in love with it!
And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.
I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.
And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.
And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.
I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.
And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Strength
I have had struggles lately. Pretty much the last week or so. I have lacked the strength and confidence to do my job. I kept praying for peace, calmness, and confidence. I read and reread my Patriarchal blessing. I've been reading the Book of Mormon. Trying to find that inner peace and self confidence.
A friend posted this video on Facebook today. I feel just like this young man. I feel blinded. How many times have I cried to the Lord this last week that I can't? Or it hurts? But I know that I can do this job. I am a strong person. I just forgot for a time.
I have realized that while I missed singing in EVMCO this semester, I could not have done it. The stress of my job and going through training have broken me. I couldn't add on weekly rehearsals. Or volunteering at a barn. It has taken all that I am to make it this far.
I have taken to writing letters to my friends and family. I was so happy to receive a letter in return from my best friend. I was happy that my letter to her made her happy.
I know that there are so many things that I want in this life. So many things that I want right now. And my Heavenly Father is reminding me that my timeline for life isn't what He has in store for me.
I am a strong woman. I have a wonderful husband and family who support me. I have the love of an Eternal Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses. He is watching over me, making me stronger.
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