**I am warning those who read my blog ahead of time. This is not a happy post. I am not trying to get sympathy. I am merely putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I am not attempting to hurt or offend anyone. This is how I feel and no one can tell me that what I feel is wrong nor am I looking for help.**
Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.
Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.
I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.
I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.
Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.
Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.
But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.
But which direction?
6 comments:
I remember when I had three kids under three. It was hard, really hard. I would go to church and hear all these people who just had their first babies gush and talk about how wonderful their lives were all of a sudden and how close they feel to spirit all of a sudden and the couples were sickeningly mushy gushy. I confess I would honestly think to myself, "Oh for the love, just shut up! You have no idea what you're talking about. You've had a baby for all of one week. Big, stinkin' whoop." I was pretty cynical there for a while. LOL!
Bad, I know.
I am a die hard romantic. I always thought my marriage would be this amazing thing. But, well, my marriage takes a whole LOT of work. I'm fairly certain that for the first three years of our marriage, I would sit on the couch and just sob after Luke had fallen asleep. He wasn't a bad guy or anything, we were just so different in ways I hadn't realized. There have been times when, even though I had kids, I felt so very, very, very lonely and would think, "If only I had a better marriage." I've cried a lot in the last 9.5. Sometimes I felt like nothing more than a worthless waste of space.
A lot of times it felt like we would take one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes it was down-right exhausting.
Now after almost ten years, it's easier, better. Maybe still not great or fabulous, but a lot better.
I am sorry that you're feeling this way. Truly I am and I do hope it gets better.
I think being financially stable does make life easier. It is super stressful to always be pinching pennies (soooo been there, done that)
And now, I know you SO don't want to read this, and it doesn't always make me feel better to read, but sometimes it does too. Ya know?
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
~Gordon B. Hinckley
Love you!
You know me Sarah-I struggled with depression back in Florida. I struggled again in California. I want so badly to feel normal, to be content with my life. I don't ask that my trials be taken from me for that would make life boring. But a break, a reprieve, a pause in the game of life would be nice. Enough time to get my legs under me, to find my footing again. I want to feel joy. I want to be happy for my friends and family. I want to find joy in life. How do I do that? How do I put a smile on my face when I am screaming and crying inside? I have no motivation to go to work. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to stay home and be invisible.
I recognize that these are not normal thoughts and feelings. But what can I do? I don't have insurance to go to a doctor. I don't have the money to pay for it anyway. I know that I'm in a dark place in life right now. I just don't know how to leave it.
Have you asked for a blessing?
No. I should. I know Earl would do it without hesitation. I don't know my home teachers to ask them. Makes for a great introduction, right? I'm sure my feelings are exacerbated by PMS and I'll be back to normal soon. I think I also have too much time on my hands to be able to self-diagnose my issues.
Hey there...I normally do not come over here and poke around on your blog--yet I notice that you often check in on mine. I came over today to catch-up on whatever you've been doing lately, though and wanted to comment on these feelings of yours.
Mainly, that we've all been there.
Heavens, if you've been reading my blog at all you know I am no stranger to trials and challenges.
I remember a quote by Elder Packer that says something along the lines of "a good blue mood once in awhile is normal, even healthy, because it helps us to ponder the heavier things of life and find resolutions..." but he also counselled that when a blue mood turns into a pattern and disrupts our day to day life long term it is good to seek help, in whatever form we deem necessary as far as medically and spiritually.
I have a unique situation in our family that I have not blogged about--my oldest daughter & her husband had 2 children back-to-back way before she thought she was ready to have children at all. She suffers from depression already and having children just exacerbated it. She has been seeing a counselor and just got on meds this past winter to help her see through the clouds of depression. On the other side of the spectrum is my oldest son and his awesome sweet wife who've been married for five years and are struggling with infertility; they SO want children already and cannot understand why they don't. Both women feel like they would like to swap lives with one another.
Being at peace with whatever comes our way takes time and prayer and support. Unfortunately, it does not come easily at first, but it DOES come. Elder Holland's counsel comes to mind, "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited."
So hold on, dear sister, hold on.
~Dawn
Dawn, thank you for your words. Yes, I do follow your blog-I love seeing your successes with your home-staging (I try to think what I can do to make my apartment a little more homey and appealing) as well as the updates from your sweet missionary. And your post today was just absolutely beautiful! I loved it and had tears in my eyes the whole time!
Life is hard. I know also that it isn't fair. My trials are different from others. I'm working on not comparing myself to others. Tonight I'm trying to not watch mindless episodes of TV shows and instead come up with Conference Jeopardy questions for Sunday School.
But last night? Last night I lay in bed talking with a friend on Facebook with tears rolling down my face as I told her that things aren't improving. I'm trying to find a new job. I'm trying to find a barn or stable to possible volunteer at. I apply, call, text, email, and get no response back. It's disheartening and I'm starting to lose my fight. Yes, I hope for the future, but that hope is fading fast.
I don't like feeling this way. I've spoken with my bishop. I've talked with my husband. The best comfort and counsel I've received has been from my friends. Dear, sweet women who've "been there" and know how I'm feeling. I still have anxiety attacks more often than I'd like to admit, but knowing that I have friends who care about me, even one's I have only spoken to in the blogosphere, makes things less stressful. Takes away some of the sting.
Thank you again, Dawn, for your kind words. I still listen to the Mercy River CD you gave me and I love it. There's something about music that speaks directly to my heart, my soul. And that CD helps me through some of the dark days.
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