When Sarah posted up about gratitude, I started thinking about moments in my life that I'm grateful for. Two instances came to mind immediately.
I lived in Utah for 11 months. I had never lived so far away from anything comfortable and familiar before. I was lucky to have my best friend Samantha just down the road.
I didn't tell Sam my financial woes. I kept them to myself. I had run out of money and didn't have food. Just like Old Mother Hubbard, my cupboards were bare. Right around Christmas, Sam and her husband Nathan sent me a Christmas card. Inside was a gift card to WalMart. Their intention was for me to use the gift card to purchase a sofa or futon so that I would have something to sit on in my little apartment.
Sam had no way of knowing my situation. But she was certainly listening to the spirit when she sent me that card. You see, the WalMart by my place was a Super WalMart and was open 24hrs and had a grocery center in it. I was able to use that card for the next two months to buy groceries. I am forever grateful to Sam and Nathan for that gift.
~~~~~
The other time that I can recall was last year. Earl and I hadn't been married 6 months yet and I got hurt at work. I was on light duty, earning half of my normal paycheck. We knew that we had to still pay our tithing even though money was scarce. And so we did. And we were about $700 short for rent and utilities. Earl went to our bishop (I had to work that night). And when the meeting was through, Earl had a check in hand for the full amount of our rent and utilities. Not a week later the brakes went out on the truck and they were grinding hard. Because the Lord had taken care of the rent, we were able to keep our truck safe. We never would have been able to afford everything without help.
Sometimes we forget that we do have people looking out for us. Sometimes we don't want to remember that there is help. But help comes when we least expect it.
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Time for Everything, Even Venting
There is a picture I have hung up in my living room. It is a picture of Christ with his arms outstretched, surrounded by a host of angels. At the bottom is a quote that says, "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it."
There are many times a day that I question that. This mortality is most certainly NOT easy. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I wonder at times if things will ever get better. Not necessarily easier. Well, yes, easier. Not because my trials go away and I float through life. No. I am just looking for a pair of strong hands and a strong back that will help me carry this burden.
I have noticed lately that I am starting to become a bitter person. I don't like that I'm bitter. I'm trying to change my attitude. I was working in the library at church a few weeks ago (my oh-so-wonderful calling) and I started reading a book. I don't remember the name of it, I only remember that it was written by President Hinckley's daughter. She spoke of opening her heart to allow Christ's love in. Not by doing anything drastic or terribly hard. Just by doing little things.
Part of my job requires that I more or less harden my heart to the situations that I deal with. This keeps me from becoming very sentimental or emotional. Sometimes this is a blessing. But after reading this book, I decided that I was going to try to not be so cold and removed. Wouldn't you know it, but the very next day at work we ran a call for a full arrest on a nine month old baby. The parents had dropped of the child with a sitter. Baby went down for a nap and 3-4 hours later when the sitter looked in on the baby, the baby wasn't breathing.
When this call came out, one of the first things I did was say a prayer for this little infant. No one ever wants to see a child hurt. I prayed for the parents that they would be comforted. And I started to cry. I cry at everything now. It's really starting to become ridiculous! How am I to open my heart if I can't by stable enough to do my job?
How do I handle this life? Earl has been out of work most of the time we've been married. I work 36 hrs a week. I know it doesn't sound like much. But those 12hr days I work drain everything from me. I come home and I am bitter. I am jealous. I want to stay home all day. I want him to work. I have prayed for him to find a job. I don't care if it's making burritos at Taco Bell. I just feel the weight on my shoulders of being the only provider for our family. And I'm not strong enough to bear it alone. I'm not sure if it sounds like I'm whining or not. Probably does. I just needed to vent. It's very frustrating to not see any change. Sometimes it feels like I am alone.
I know that I'm not alone.
But sometimes I forget.
In the meantime I am applying for part time work on my days off. Otherwise Christmas will come and go without gifts, and we will go without comforts. Not necessarily a bad thing. Wish us luck!
There are many times a day that I question that. This mortality is most certainly NOT easy. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I wonder at times if things will ever get better. Not necessarily easier. Well, yes, easier. Not because my trials go away and I float through life. No. I am just looking for a pair of strong hands and a strong back that will help me carry this burden.
I have noticed lately that I am starting to become a bitter person. I don't like that I'm bitter. I'm trying to change my attitude. I was working in the library at church a few weeks ago (my oh-so-wonderful calling) and I started reading a book. I don't remember the name of it, I only remember that it was written by President Hinckley's daughter. She spoke of opening her heart to allow Christ's love in. Not by doing anything drastic or terribly hard. Just by doing little things.
Part of my job requires that I more or less harden my heart to the situations that I deal with. This keeps me from becoming very sentimental or emotional. Sometimes this is a blessing. But after reading this book, I decided that I was going to try to not be so cold and removed. Wouldn't you know it, but the very next day at work we ran a call for a full arrest on a nine month old baby. The parents had dropped of the child with a sitter. Baby went down for a nap and 3-4 hours later when the sitter looked in on the baby, the baby wasn't breathing.
When this call came out, one of the first things I did was say a prayer for this little infant. No one ever wants to see a child hurt. I prayed for the parents that they would be comforted. And I started to cry. I cry at everything now. It's really starting to become ridiculous! How am I to open my heart if I can't by stable enough to do my job?
How do I handle this life? Earl has been out of work most of the time we've been married. I work 36 hrs a week. I know it doesn't sound like much. But those 12hr days I work drain everything from me. I come home and I am bitter. I am jealous. I want to stay home all day. I want him to work. I have prayed for him to find a job. I don't care if it's making burritos at Taco Bell. I just feel the weight on my shoulders of being the only provider for our family. And I'm not strong enough to bear it alone. I'm not sure if it sounds like I'm whining or not. Probably does. I just needed to vent. It's very frustrating to not see any change. Sometimes it feels like I am alone.
I know that I'm not alone.
But sometimes I forget.
In the meantime I am applying for part time work on my days off. Otherwise Christmas will come and go without gifts, and we will go without comforts. Not necessarily a bad thing. Wish us luck!
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