A Time for Everything, Even Venting

There is a picture I have hung up in my living room. It is a picture of Christ with his arms outstretched, surrounded by a host of angels. At the bottom is a quote that says, "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it."

There are many times a day that I question that. This mortality is most certainly NOT easy. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I wonder at times if things will ever get better. Not necessarily easier. Well, yes, easier. Not because my trials go away and I float through life. No. I am just looking for a pair of strong hands and a strong back that will help me carry this burden.

I have noticed lately that I am starting to become a bitter person. I don't like that I'm bitter. I'm trying to change my attitude. I was working in the library at church a few weeks ago (my oh-so-wonderful calling) and I started reading a book. I don't remember the name of it, I only remember that it was written by President Hinckley's daughter. She spoke of opening her heart to allow Christ's love in. Not by doing anything drastic or terribly hard. Just by doing little things.

Part of my job requires that I more or less harden my heart to the situations that I deal with. This keeps me from becoming very sentimental or emotional. Sometimes this is a blessing. But after reading this book, I decided that I was going to try to not be so cold and removed. Wouldn't you know it, but the very next day at work we ran a call for a full arrest on a nine month old baby. The parents had dropped of the child with a sitter. Baby went down for a nap and 3-4 hours later when the sitter looked in on the baby, the baby wasn't breathing.

When this call came out, one of the first things I did was say a prayer for this little infant. No one ever wants to see a child hurt. I prayed for the parents that they would be comforted. And I started to cry. I cry at everything now. It's really starting to become ridiculous! How am I to open my heart if I can't by stable enough to do my job?

How do I handle this life? Earl has been out of work most of the time we've been married. I work 36 hrs a week. I know it doesn't sound like much. But those 12hr days I work drain everything from me. I come home and I am bitter. I am jealous. I want to stay home all day. I want him to work. I have prayed for him to find a job. I don't care if it's making burritos at Taco Bell. I just feel the weight on my shoulders of being the only provider for our family. And I'm not strong enough to bear it alone. I'm not sure if it sounds like I'm whining or not. Probably does. I just needed to vent. It's very frustrating to not see any change. Sometimes it feels like I am alone.

I know that I'm not alone.

But sometimes I forget.

In the meantime I am applying for part time work on my days off. Otherwise Christmas will come and go without gifts, and we will go without comforts. Not necessarily a bad thing. Wish us luck!