My blog will be going away for awhile. I have some personal things to deal with and sort out. I never meant to hurt or worry anyone with the things that I wrote. This was meant to be a sort of journal for me and it's time for a break.

What Can I Say?

**I am warning those who read my blog ahead of time. This is not a happy post. I am not trying to get sympathy. I am merely putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I am not attempting to hurt or offend anyone. This is how I feel and no one can tell me that what I feel is wrong nor am I looking for help.**

Well, it's been a month (longer, I know) since I last wrote anything. It's been a difficult month. I have a job now-I work at Sport Chalet, again. I am not proud of this, nor am I happy about it. Don't get me wrong-I am very grateful to have a job. I just feel like I have regressed, taken two steps backward. I don't feel that I am progressing in life.

Ugh. Sorry. I desperately need to get this off my chest.

I am sick of life. I am sick of trying to get ahead only to be pushed down again. I know that life isn't fair. I know that life is hard. Perhaps my outlook needs to change. Or I need an attitude adjustment. Whatever the case may be, I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of surviving, just barely treading water. I want to swim. I want to make it to dry land. I want to have a house of my own. 2 cars in the driveway with a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids. I want a flower garden full of roses. I want good sturdy trees that the kids and I can climb. I want to have the motivation to bake chocolate chip cookies for my kids like my mom did. But for now I would settle for the money to buy the ingredients for cookies and cakes and meals not premade and frozen.

I feel the depression knocking quietly at my door. It's trying to find an open window to make its way into my life. Telling me it's okay to withdraw from the world, from life, and stay at home watching mindless TV. Whispering in my ear to not read my friend's blogs or Facebook statues. To ignore the pictures and stories of their lives. Softly saying it's okay to cry tears of anger and jealousy every time a friend announces they are pregnant. It wants me to hate and despise my friends for their fortune and success.

Depression is sly. It sneaks around my mind and body, waiting for a crack in my armor to wound me. Despair snaps at my feet, trying to trip me and cause me to fall into a deep pit. It knows my weaknesses and tries so hard to catch me. When I am at church, I listen to the talks, the scriptures, the lessons. I hear the comments made by the other women and I despise them. I think to myself that this lesson doesn't apply to me. It doesn't apply because I am not in the same situation as these other women. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I don't have 2 cars, a dog, or 2.5 kids. I get angry when I'm at church. I know this isn't normal and I try to change my outlook.

Oh how I wish it were easy to overcome depression. I know that money doesn't make one happy. But I know that if I had the money to pay off debts, I would. I would get a second car. I would try my hardest to find a better job. Maybe even work with horses again.

But for now I'm floating. Floating in an ocean filled with mountainous waves trying to crash over me and send  me to the deep. I'm clinging to a life raft, a small buoy holding me up. I can't stay here forever and must start to swim.

But which direction?

2012: In Retrospect

Things that I have done this year:

Recorded a Christmas CD with the Orange County Mormon Choral Organization. The CD was released and on Billboard's Top Ten for 3 weeks!

Went to Idaho to say goodbye to my Grandpa Bell. I'm so glad that Earl and I went to the Bell Family Reunion the year previous and I was able to spend a few tender moment with him by the campfire, holding hands.

Saw my baby brother leave to serve a 2 year mission for our church. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. I love hearing his testimony in his emails. I can't wait for him to baptize someone and know of the joy to help bring someone to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

Accepted a job offer in Arizona. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I left behind the best job I've ever had, working at BBTRC. I am forever grateful for the volunteers, the families, the kids, and especially the horses. I'm happy that I was able to help some kids, for a short time, grow stronger and more sure of themselves.

Was let go from my job 5 months after moving. Dealing with the thought of being unemployed has been hard.

Got rehired with Sport Chalet. I start tomorrow.

Made a dear friend who has helped me get through the past month, and listened when I needed to talk. Her family also offered me temporary work the last few days and I hope I have not let them down.

I have grown closer to Earl this year. We've been through a lot and I'm sure there's more to come.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Humbled

I am writing this today with a very humbled heart. My emotions are all over the place and I may start spewing tears at any moment. Not that you would know, of course.

I am currently unemployed. I have not been in this situation since the summer of 2002. While this is frightening to experience, it is also a relief. I have not felt like myself for awhile now and I attribute that to the stress of the job I was in.

So today I sent my information to my sister-in-law to help me revamp my resume. I have also applied for a few spots online and inquired about a local barn.

While I can take this time to collect my thoughts and emotions, I can also finally get caught up on the laundry and cleaning the apartment.

It's difficult to deal with my emotions as I feel like a failure for not completing the training. I have to remember that the job just was not for me. There is something else out there for me to do. While this was the job that brought us to Arizona, there is another job I am meant to do. Now I just have to find it.

Christmas Music and Family

So many emotions tonight. Gosh I'm an emotional sap lately. I'm listening to the CD that OCMCO/EVMCO recorded last Christmas. It's a Christmas CD and I'm totally in love with it!

And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.

I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.

And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.

Strength

I have had struggles lately. Pretty much the last week or so. I have lacked the strength and confidence to do my job. I kept praying for peace, calmness, and confidence. I read and reread my Patriarchal blessing. I've been reading the Book of Mormon. Trying to find that inner peace and self confidence.

A friend posted this video on Facebook today. I feel just like this young man. I feel blinded. How many times have I cried to the Lord this last week that I can't? Or it hurts? But I know that I can do this job. I am a strong person. I just forgot for a time.

I have realized that while I missed singing in EVMCO this semester, I could not have done it. The stress of my job and going through training have broken me. I couldn't add on weekly rehearsals. Or volunteering at a barn. It has taken all that I am to make it this far.

I have taken to writing letters to my friends and family. I was so happy to receive a letter in return from my best friend. I was happy that my letter to her made her happy.

I know that there are so many things that I want in this life. So many things that I want right now. And my Heavenly Father is reminding me that my timeline for life isn't what He has in store for me.

I am a strong woman. I have a wonderful husband and family who support me. I have the love of an Eternal Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses. He is watching over me, making me stronger.

over it tonight

Alright. Heres the scoop. i am on my phone to type this and it doesnt like punctuation. mainly apostrophes. nor is it consistent with capitalization. and theres no auto correct for spelling.

im at work at the moment and i have had one of the worst shifts possible. its been the kind of night where ihave no confidence amd second guess myself left amd right. im at the point in training where i ahould be doing everything on my own. but im not. ive shown that i am capable of soing this job. tonight just isnt that night.

ugh. sorry for the woe is me post. i just reallu needed to get this off my chest and ouy of my head.

i have a wonderful husbamd who is so supportive of me. he lnows im having a rough time right now and he is my rock. im grateful that he is a worthy priesthood holder. he is there fore and telling me what i need to hear.

i apologize for the horrible spelling and other errors in this post. i kind of dont care, but whats one wonky post amid so manyk?

and my pity party is complete. carry on!

A Little Heavy?

I know so many of you are sick of the political ads, phone calls, commercials, etc. I am too.

But today I am torn with emotions: fear, anxiety, anticipation, elation.

I fear for the future if our country's leadership doesn't improve.

I fear for the future of my family's well-being.

I understand that this fear is crippling and I try to not let it get to me.

I anxiously anticipate the outcome of today's election. No other election that I've been alive for (or aware of) has been so important.

I will probably cry tonight, one way or the other. Tears of happiness and hope if a certain person is elected.

Tears of frustration and fear if another.

This is an emotional time for our country. I'm not saying this to sway one's vote a certain direction.

These are just a brief glimpse into my thoughts and feelings of late.

I want so badly to be able to make a living. To live, not just survive. I want my money to mean something when I go grocery shopping. I want to live in a place where it is safe and prosperous. I would like to bring children into this world without fear for their future.

To live in a place where God and family come first. Where I'm not afraid for my own retirement. For my parents' retirement.

I want to live.

Do you?

Honesty

This post is probably not what you think.

I have not been honest with myself. And the truth hit me today like a ton of bricks.

I can rationalize with the best of them, believe me! A lot of what I'm thinking and feeling tonight is my own perception. I'm not looking for for people to disagree or coddle and I'm certainly not looking for compliments.

I am not overweight. I am not fat. I am 6 feet tall. I don't want to look like I'm starving. I don't want to starve myself.

But gosh darn it, I am not happy about my body right now.

I have started working out. Not a huge overhaul, just a workout routine or two when I come home from work. I have determined that the best way to not lose momentum and motivation is to work out immediately when I get home from work. Otherwise I sit on the sofa and don't move again for the rest of the night.

I stepped on the scale at work today. I was very disheartened to see the numbers. I will not weigh 145lbs ever again. If I do, somebody come feed me a cheeseburger! And while I know that I am not in danger of becoming obese, I do want to bring that number down a bit. (Heaven help me if I ever get pregnant for it won't take much for me to top 200 on that evil scale!)

I am more concerned with how my clothes fit. I'll admit, my jeans are snug. I couldn't wear a skirt to church on Sunday because I couldn't zip it up. My nicer shirts are snug. I really don't want to go up a size, mainly because I hate shopping and I don't have the money to spend on new clothes anyway!

I want to feel good. Confident. Happy.

So I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical tonight.

And quickly demolished all the good by eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries for dinner.

Baby steps, right?

Slacking Off

Okay, I know that I've been slacking the last month. Or more. It's not that I've been avoiding my blog, it's just that I haven't felt a burning desire to write anything.

I suppose I should start with the most recent event, as it is the most exciting.

Earl has a job!! After many months and countless prayers, Earl secured a job this week. He starts out as part-time at a luggage shop in the Chandler mall. The company is expanding and will be opening another location in Scottsdale in about a month. After the new store opens, Earl will be full-time. He has been able to work out to have Thursday nights off for school (more on that in a bit) and Sundays for church. This has been the job that we have been praying for for so long. We have truly been blessed this week!

Earl has also enrolled in an online program through BYU Idaho. This is also a great opportunity. He will be able to eventually get his BS through this program. Very exciting!!

So as I write this, Earl is at work and I kind of don't know what to do with myself. I've watched about as much TV as I can handle, although NetFlix has a lot of new additions that I want to see. The dishes are done, and I don't really feel like doing laundry. We're okay on clothes anyway.

For now I have a kitty napping on my lap so I guess I'm stuck for a while.

Oh, and we will most likely be coming to CA in October for a weekend. I've been able to secure the time off from work, now Earl has to do the same. It will be nice to come back for a visit and bring back some items that we forgot to pack.

Hmm...dinner for one...better figure it out!