Christmas Music and Family

So many emotions tonight. Gosh I'm an emotional sap lately. I'm listening to the CD that OCMCO/EVMCO recorded last Christmas. It's a Christmas CD and I'm totally in love with it!

And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.

I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.

And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.

Strength

I have had struggles lately. Pretty much the last week or so. I have lacked the strength and confidence to do my job. I kept praying for peace, calmness, and confidence. I read and reread my Patriarchal blessing. I've been reading the Book of Mormon. Trying to find that inner peace and self confidence.

A friend posted this video on Facebook today. I feel just like this young man. I feel blinded. How many times have I cried to the Lord this last week that I can't? Or it hurts? But I know that I can do this job. I am a strong person. I just forgot for a time.

I have realized that while I missed singing in EVMCO this semester, I could not have done it. The stress of my job and going through training have broken me. I couldn't add on weekly rehearsals. Or volunteering at a barn. It has taken all that I am to make it this far.

I have taken to writing letters to my friends and family. I was so happy to receive a letter in return from my best friend. I was happy that my letter to her made her happy.

I know that there are so many things that I want in this life. So many things that I want right now. And my Heavenly Father is reminding me that my timeline for life isn't what He has in store for me.

I am a strong woman. I have a wonderful husband and family who support me. I have the love of an Eternal Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses. He is watching over me, making me stronger.

over it tonight

Alright. Heres the scoop. i am on my phone to type this and it doesnt like punctuation. mainly apostrophes. nor is it consistent with capitalization. and theres no auto correct for spelling.

im at work at the moment and i have had one of the worst shifts possible. its been the kind of night where ihave no confidence amd second guess myself left amd right. im at the point in training where i ahould be doing everything on my own. but im not. ive shown that i am capable of soing this job. tonight just isnt that night.

ugh. sorry for the woe is me post. i just reallu needed to get this off my chest and ouy of my head.

i have a wonderful husbamd who is so supportive of me. he lnows im having a rough time right now and he is my rock. im grateful that he is a worthy priesthood holder. he is there fore and telling me what i need to hear.

i apologize for the horrible spelling and other errors in this post. i kind of dont care, but whats one wonky post amid so manyk?

and my pity party is complete. carry on!

A Little Heavy?

I know so many of you are sick of the political ads, phone calls, commercials, etc. I am too.

But today I am torn with emotions: fear, anxiety, anticipation, elation.

I fear for the future if our country's leadership doesn't improve.

I fear for the future of my family's well-being.

I understand that this fear is crippling and I try to not let it get to me.

I anxiously anticipate the outcome of today's election. No other election that I've been alive for (or aware of) has been so important.

I will probably cry tonight, one way or the other. Tears of happiness and hope if a certain person is elected.

Tears of frustration and fear if another.

This is an emotional time for our country. I'm not saying this to sway one's vote a certain direction.

These are just a brief glimpse into my thoughts and feelings of late.

I want so badly to be able to make a living. To live, not just survive. I want my money to mean something when I go grocery shopping. I want to live in a place where it is safe and prosperous. I would like to bring children into this world without fear for their future.

To live in a place where God and family come first. Where I'm not afraid for my own retirement. For my parents' retirement.

I want to live.

Do you?

Honesty

This post is probably not what you think.

I have not been honest with myself. And the truth hit me today like a ton of bricks.

I can rationalize with the best of them, believe me! A lot of what I'm thinking and feeling tonight is my own perception. I'm not looking for for people to disagree or coddle and I'm certainly not looking for compliments.

I am not overweight. I am not fat. I am 6 feet tall. I don't want to look like I'm starving. I don't want to starve myself.

But gosh darn it, I am not happy about my body right now.

I have started working out. Not a huge overhaul, just a workout routine or two when I come home from work. I have determined that the best way to not lose momentum and motivation is to work out immediately when I get home from work. Otherwise I sit on the sofa and don't move again for the rest of the night.

I stepped on the scale at work today. I was very disheartened to see the numbers. I will not weigh 145lbs ever again. If I do, somebody come feed me a cheeseburger! And while I know that I am not in danger of becoming obese, I do want to bring that number down a bit. (Heaven help me if I ever get pregnant for it won't take much for me to top 200 on that evil scale!)

I am more concerned with how my clothes fit. I'll admit, my jeans are snug. I couldn't wear a skirt to church on Sunday because I couldn't zip it up. My nicer shirts are snug. I really don't want to go up a size, mainly because I hate shopping and I don't have the money to spend on new clothes anyway!

I want to feel good. Confident. Happy.

So I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical tonight.

And quickly demolished all the good by eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries for dinner.

Baby steps, right?

Slacking Off

Okay, I know that I've been slacking the last month. Or more. It's not that I've been avoiding my blog, it's just that I haven't felt a burning desire to write anything.

I suppose I should start with the most recent event, as it is the most exciting.

Earl has a job!! After many months and countless prayers, Earl secured a job this week. He starts out as part-time at a luggage shop in the Chandler mall. The company is expanding and will be opening another location in Scottsdale in about a month. After the new store opens, Earl will be full-time. He has been able to work out to have Thursday nights off for school (more on that in a bit) and Sundays for church. This has been the job that we have been praying for for so long. We have truly been blessed this week!

Earl has also enrolled in an online program through BYU Idaho. This is also a great opportunity. He will be able to eventually get his BS through this program. Very exciting!!

So as I write this, Earl is at work and I kind of don't know what to do with myself. I've watched about as much TV as I can handle, although NetFlix has a lot of new additions that I want to see. The dishes are done, and I don't really feel like doing laundry. We're okay on clothes anyway.

For now I have a kitty napping on my lap so I guess I'm stuck for a while.

Oh, and we will most likely be coming to CA in October for a weekend. I've been able to secure the time off from work, now Earl has to do the same. It will be nice to come back for a visit and bring back some items that we forgot to pack.

Hmm...dinner for one...better figure it out!

Pictures!

Okay, remember that we are still organizing and trying to figure where some things will go. But for now, these will have to do!

Living Room

 Kitchen (Earl cleaning up after dinner)

 Bedroom

 Bedroom again

 Walk-in closet!!

 Bathroom (I have counter space, drawers, AND cupboards!)

So that's the quick tour. Time to throw my swimsuit on and chill in the hot tub before that thunderhead gets any closer!

Hello from the Desert!

Well! It's been a busy week! We packed up, loaded the truck, and drove out! We even had a helper in the packing process:

We left bright and early on Friday, July 13. It was a pretty uneventful drive from Newport Beach, CA to Gilbert, AZ. There was a good rainstorm that we drove through. Didn't wash the car nearly as well as I had hoped. Sage was a real trooper on the drive. She took to hiding most of the way:

We signed our lease, got our keys, and moved in. Sage and the litter box went straight away to the bathroom so that there wouldn't be any "accidents" or escape attempts. After a little while, I went to check on her and she was hiding inside the litter box, scared out of her mind. I felt so bad for her. Eventually she came out, had some water, and started reaching under the bathroom door, trying to get out. She has since adapted very well!

We have unpacked almost everything. There are still some random boxes here and there. They will probably stay that way for awhile. My goal for today was/is to organize our patio. Right now all of our empty boxes are piled up and it is impossible to go outside. Not that I necessarily want to go outside right now. It's probably close to 100 by now. But I would like to get our little outside storage organized and move boxes that will not be used anytime soon out there.

I have put pictures on the walls. I have blankets and throw pillows on the sofa. We have filled our closet with clothes, shoes, and other things. I had to purchase door hanging shoe racks for my shoes. They work quite well. The TV and computer are set up. The internet is connected.

We are moving in.

I still need to do more grocery shopping. Due to space and time constraints, we weren't able to bring every food item with us. So that area is a little bare at the moment. But it will come. My kitchen is fairly good-sized. Lots of counter space. Cupboard and drawer space is less than we had previously, but I am adapting. I have cooked in my new kitchen and it is quite nice. I'm back to an electric stove, which will take some getting used to. And the first meal I cooked was of course, macaroni and cheese.

I have determined that I need another bookcase. Now that I know what space I have, I can begin to shop for one. Earl would say I have too many books. I say he needs to keep his mouth shut and read one or two of them!

Once things are in order and as they should be, I will take pictures to share what our new home looks like.

Time to go change the laundry!

Last Day in California

It's 0814 on Thursday, July 12, 2012. This is our last full day in California.

And I'm not 100% packed.

I have this morning to pack up the pantry and bathroom. There are odds and ends of "stuff" laying around. At this point, I want to just throw it all away. I'm sick of packing. We haven't really cleaned yet. Good thing cleaning doesn't take too long.

My walls are barren. The computer and desk are packed away. My feet are currently propped up on a plastic bin because my coffee table is downstairs. All of our cleaning supplies are lined up on the kitchen counter, just waiting to be used.

And what am I doing? Sitting on my butt blogging! That's a good use of my time! But I am feeling very reflective this morning. And I wanted to be able to capture this moment. The sun is up but hiding behind the marine layer of clouds. The island is waking up and cars are driving by. Trucks are making their morning deliveries. Every now and then I hear a bird chirp. We don't have pretty songbirds here. Mainly crows, pigeons, and sea gulls.

It's still a bit chilly. Probably the 60's. I would be more comfortable with a sweater on, but this should serve as motivation for me to get up and working.

It's not working...

I may need a procrastination intervention.

Or just a swift kick in the bum.

Scared to Death and Saddling up Anyway

My life is about to change in a big way. Tomorrow afternoon we pick up our moving truck and with the help from friends at church, we will load up everything we own tomorrow night. Early Friday morning Earl will drive the truck as I drive our car to the desert.

We are moving.

It seems so final. Yet I know that we will be back to visit. It's not like we're gone forever. Or going to another continent.

Yesterday a wonderful friend gave me a going-away present. It is a handmade silver bracelet that says, "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." It captured my emotions and I am so grateful to this woman.

I am scared to move. We are removing ourselves from our comfort zone. We are leaving the nest of our families. We are leaving behind our friends. But we are going anyway.

There is hope through all the sadness that moving brings. I have hope that we will save money in our new apartment. I have hope that Earl will find gainful employment. I have hope that he will be able to finish school. I have hope that one day we will be blessed with children. I have hope that we will begin to live, not just survive.

Our clothes are packed. Our shoes are packed. Half of the furniture is already in the garage waiting to be loaded. Today we are tackling the kitchen and food. Tomorrow, everything must be packed for it will be loaded regardless.

We start a new chapter in life this week. I'm scared to death, but I'm doing it anyway.