2012: In Retrospect

Things that I have done this year:

Recorded a Christmas CD with the Orange County Mormon Choral Organization. The CD was released and on Billboard's Top Ten for 3 weeks!

Went to Idaho to say goodbye to my Grandpa Bell. I'm so glad that Earl and I went to the Bell Family Reunion the year previous and I was able to spend a few tender moment with him by the campfire, holding hands.

Saw my baby brother leave to serve a 2 year mission for our church. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. I love hearing his testimony in his emails. I can't wait for him to baptize someone and know of the joy to help bring someone to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

Accepted a job offer in Arizona. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I left behind the best job I've ever had, working at BBTRC. I am forever grateful for the volunteers, the families, the kids, and especially the horses. I'm happy that I was able to help some kids, for a short time, grow stronger and more sure of themselves.

Was let go from my job 5 months after moving. Dealing with the thought of being unemployed has been hard.

Got rehired with Sport Chalet. I start tomorrow.

Made a dear friend who has helped me get through the past month, and listened when I needed to talk. Her family also offered me temporary work the last few days and I hope I have not let them down.

I have grown closer to Earl this year. We've been through a lot and I'm sure there's more to come.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Humbled

I am writing this today with a very humbled heart. My emotions are all over the place and I may start spewing tears at any moment. Not that you would know, of course.

I am currently unemployed. I have not been in this situation since the summer of 2002. While this is frightening to experience, it is also a relief. I have not felt like myself for awhile now and I attribute that to the stress of the job I was in.

So today I sent my information to my sister-in-law to help me revamp my resume. I have also applied for a few spots online and inquired about a local barn.

While I can take this time to collect my thoughts and emotions, I can also finally get caught up on the laundry and cleaning the apartment.

It's difficult to deal with my emotions as I feel like a failure for not completing the training. I have to remember that the job just was not for me. There is something else out there for me to do. While this was the job that brought us to Arizona, there is another job I am meant to do. Now I just have to find it.

Christmas Music and Family

So many emotions tonight. Gosh I'm an emotional sap lately. I'm listening to the CD that OCMCO/EVMCO recorded last Christmas. It's a Christmas CD and I'm totally in love with it!

And while I love hearing it, it makes me sad that I am no longer a part of that organization.

I also got a package from my mom today. It was so good to see that while I have moved away, I am not forgotten by my family. Enclosed was also one of the family pictures we took back before Tyler left for his mission. At this time when I am struggling to control my emotions, seeing my family together was so great. And as I type about it, listening to amazing music, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. While there is no such thing as a "normal" family, I love my family. Our quirks are what make us, us.

And during this time of training and trial for me, I have a wonderful family-in-law. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to be with them today while Earl worked a 10 hour shift. I am grateful to Adam and Cathie for inviting me to spend time with them so I wouldn't be alone today. I think that had I stayed home today, especially after opening my mother's care package, I would have been a complete wreck. Instead, I am grateful for family near and far.

Strength

I have had struggles lately. Pretty much the last week or so. I have lacked the strength and confidence to do my job. I kept praying for peace, calmness, and confidence. I read and reread my Patriarchal blessing. I've been reading the Book of Mormon. Trying to find that inner peace and self confidence.

A friend posted this video on Facebook today. I feel just like this young man. I feel blinded. How many times have I cried to the Lord this last week that I can't? Or it hurts? But I know that I can do this job. I am a strong person. I just forgot for a time.

I have realized that while I missed singing in EVMCO this semester, I could not have done it. The stress of my job and going through training have broken me. I couldn't add on weekly rehearsals. Or volunteering at a barn. It has taken all that I am to make it this far.

I have taken to writing letters to my friends and family. I was so happy to receive a letter in return from my best friend. I was happy that my letter to her made her happy.

I know that there are so many things that I want in this life. So many things that I want right now. And my Heavenly Father is reminding me that my timeline for life isn't what He has in store for me.

I am a strong woman. I have a wonderful husband and family who support me. I have the love of an Eternal Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses. He is watching over me, making me stronger.